The truth about long, long hair…It could save a life, or take one.

Long hair is everywhere! On the floor, in the bed, in the shower drain, on coats, caught in the car window, wrapped around my purse handles, and even caught in my hubs jean’s zipper and not noticed until a coworker points it out to him. Oh, don’t even go there. I share hair strands through the washing machine. Everyone gets their fair share to wear every day.

Hair brushes are supposed to have a matted hair mass in the bristles. I don’t think I’ve seen a hair brush without hair in it. Btw, birds love that tangled mass of hair. It makes me smile to see a bird carry the tangle of hair away, knowing a little bird will stay warm during the winter.

It’s possible to strangle yourself while you sleep. It’s also possible to strangle someone else if they sleep with you. Remember that if you’re ever kidnapped. Who needs a knife when you have hair. With a flip of your head, you could strangle the person tying your feet to the chair.

Open car windows in the summer are fun. It’s like flying a kite. It’s also possible to hair slap the person in the backseat if they have their window open at the same time. I will never be one of those parents that say, “Don’t make me come back there!” Hell, I’m already there. Smack!

On the subject of cars. Seatbelts are killers. If my hair is retracted along with the belt, it hurts. I will scream. I will also be stuck until someone helps me. Unfortunately, the Department of Motor Vehicles will not issue a permit to park in the handicap space. They don’t understand that being close to the entrance, people, is important for my health. I could die while parked at the end of a parking lot. Then what will they do? Put me up on some weird-people-who-die-at-Walmart website? That’ll suck.

Ever heard a cat with a hairball? I can mimic the exact sound. You have no idea how dangerous the simple act of talking is, especially outside in the wind…or if you take the time to inhale. Get one of those long suckers tickling your tonsils, and it can get messy. The complex procedure of extracting the strand of hair as it slides through your esophagus will even impress the tom cats in the neighborhood.

Last, but probably the most truthful thing you’ll ever hear about having long hair is…we’re magical. Those gifted with long hair can do magic tricks! A trick so amazing, even I don’t know how I do it. It doesn’t take fast hands or an assistant. The trick starts with a little tickle, the feeling that something is a little off in the long hair world. I stop, I smile, and while you’re concentrating on my most mischievous expression upon my face, I reach behind my back, where my shirt meets my jeans, and announce with a flourish, “Tada!”. Then I proceed to pull a hair out of my pants. Let me tell you, the days of pulling a rabbit out of a hat are over.