Dear Deb, Spice up my relationship!



Scroll to the bottom for the latest Dear Deb post

Back in the summer of 2011, I wrote about my secret desire to give relationship advice to anyone who needed it. You can read that post below...

Wanna spice up your relationship?

I don’t know about other romance authors, but it’s amazing how many people have asked me for marriage/relationship advice. To be honest, I’ve been asked questions way before I ever became a published author. I’m not an expert. I have a normal marriage. We love, fight, bicker, become so cheesy no one can stand to be around us, but I guess in the end…we’re still married and deeply in love. That’s what matters!

I’ve often joked that if a best selling newspaper ever wanted to contact me to write a Love Advice column, I’d jump at the chance. It’s one of the reasons why I love writing romance stories. I’ll always believe in a happily ever after. Give me tough times and conflicts with some sigh-able sappy ending, and I’m melting.

I’ve always shied away from telling someone I'm close to in real life exactly what I thought. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and it’s hard to give advice when you don’t live
 with the person. No one is able to see what goes on inside your house or bedroom, right? And, there’s that little fact that I’m not an expert on marriage or relationships.

That doesn’t stop me from giving advice to the general population though...
As a general rule, I think stagnant marriages are the number one sign of trouble. Oh, don’t start worrying. It’s common. Throw in kids, jobs, every day stresses, and one day meshes into the next and before you know it…you’ve hit the drainage ditch with some tadpoles growing in your marriage. The good news is, it’s the easiest thing to fix.

Remember those days when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? When you couldn’t wait to see the man/woman in your life? You need to rekindle the connection. Here are a few things to get you started…

Backrubs
Go for a walk
Plan a date
Go for a car ride

Play a game, and up the ante. Come on! You’re two consenting adults and rules are meant to be broken.
Go do something neither one of you have done before.


Kiss! For goodness sakes, he’s not your mother…kiss him like you mean it!

Don’t overwhelm yourself. Pick one this week, and go for it. Feeling a little shy? Well, let me tell you that to love someone you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable. It’s how you learn about yourself and grow further in your relationship. My characters do it all the time. That’s why it hurts so much when something goes wrong, but like all romances…you know there’s a happily ever after coming. Isn’t the person you love worth it? Aren’t you worth it?














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On May 25, 2012, I took the leap on starting a Dear Deb, Spice Up My Relationship Friday Column. Below, you can read each letter in order of when they were published.


#1 - March 25, 2012

Dear Deb,
I’m 36 years old, and my husband is 38. We’ve been married 6 years and romance is dead for us. We only do two things together any more. We go to the movies on Saturday night and we go out to dinner before the movies. That’s it! I feel like we’re boring, but there’s not enough time in our week with both of us working and we’ve fallen into a boring routine. I’m clueless on how to spice things up, and I refuse to start bowling.
Anonymous and Bored

Dear Anonymous and Bored,
You obviously haven’t tried to bowl while naked. Pure hilarity, I assure you. I understand the boredom. It’s the seven year itch thing when married life start becoming normal, comfy, and predictable. There are easy ways to spice things up and best of all, there are cheap ways to do it. First off, we need to get you two away from the movies. That’s a distraction. You’re wasting 2 hours of sitting in the dark, not talking. I can think up a lot of things you can do in the dark but for your sake, I think we need to go back a few steps and start with something that allows you to keep your clothes on.

Mystery dates!

Sit down with your hubs. Each of you write a list of five things you love to do on single pieces of paper. Anything. Here’s an example:

His                                                Her
Hike                                               Read
Video games                                  Shop
Car show                                        Manicure
Lift weights                                     Garden
Listen to music                               Bake

Now throw your pieces in a jar, and have your hubs do the same thing in his own jar. On Friday night, it’s your turn to pick a paper from his jar. Let’s say you draw, Listen to music. It’s your job to plan a Saturday date night around what he likes to do. Suck it up, buttercup. It’s time to take one for the team, ‘kay? If you don’t want to pay the price of going to a concert of his favorite band, and it’s summertime. Look around. There are lots of free concerts in parks. Or, find a new local band that’s playing in the bar down the street. Go! Now this is where things spice up. This is what HE likes to do. You’ve got that covered, right?

Now it’s time to give him a date he’ll never forget. Dress up, do something different. Maybe it’s wearing that skirt that’s a little too short that you’re too chicken to wear in public, or putting on that matching bra and panties he knows about but never gets to see on you. Sure, it’s okay to whisper what you’re wearing in the middle of a love song. You’re making his night special. He’ll like that, trust me. Be sure to have him pull over on the way home once he’s feeling special and loved. Tell him how much you love the song on the radio. Crank it up! Dance under the moon. Most of all laugh and make him join in the fun.

You’ve succeeded on breaking up the boredom. You’ve focused on what he enjoys. Plus, you’ve surprised him, added a little mystery, and you can bet your booty, he’ll try to outdo you when it comes time to pick a mystery date out of your jar.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.



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#2 - June 1, 2012


Dear Deb,
After three years of marriage our sex life now consists of Tuesday nights and sometime Saturday if we’re lucky. We do have a 2 year old that sleeps with us, and I know that doesn’t help the problem. I know we should plan a date night, but that never works out. I know we both want our marriage to be more fun, but between being tired and jobs, sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever go back to the way it was before our marriage. How can we spice up our marriage?
Unimaginative husband


Dear Unimaginative,

It’s hard to find the energy for each other, much less yourself, when you have a young child. But the most important thing to a marriage is keeping that close bond between you and your wife. From the sound of it, you’ve talked about improving your alone time…now let’s do it! Forget about date night. That never works when you’re worried about your child with the babysitter, spending the extra money, and forcing yourself to go out and pretend you’re having fun. You’re thinking too much about the problem. It isn’t all about sex. Once you find the time to spend together, flirting, touching, talking about grownup subjects, you’ll remember how you got together before you were married.

I’m a big believer in “Perks” to break up the slump. Sit down with your wife and discuss the game plan.

Monday – This is your day to do anything you want…when the baby is sleeping. Only rule, you have to spend the whole time with your wife. She has to agree to be a willing partner. You want a backrub? She has to give you one. You want to slurp Champagne out of her belly button while she’s sitting on your Harley Davidson? She better pop the cork.

Tuesday – This is your wife’s day. Don’t worry about if the baby is sleeping. I’ve been there and done that. She’ll start with you washing dishes. Do it with a smile. It’s sexy to a woman. But when that baby goes to sleep, be ready. She might ask you to wash her hair, give her a bath, paint her toes. Amazing what a little pampering will do to rejuvenate the spirit, so when that baby is asleep for the night, your wife is wide awake.

Wednesday – Kiss. Kiss often. Make a game of it. Who can kiss the longest without laughing. Invent a new way to kiss. Jelly beans are wonderful for kissing. Try to guess what flavor of Jelly bean she just ate. I’ll remind you of my favorite line out of my book, Ride Free…. He gave her an hour’s worth of sex in a kiss that lasted no more than ten seconds.

Thursday – It’s your night again. Step it up.

Friday – It’s her night. She’s going to be ready now, and will have planned all week for her night.

Saturday – Compliments and caresses. This is for both of you. Every time one person says “Thank you” or gives a compliment, the other person must touch the one giving a compliment.

Sunday – Have sex! After all this foreplay all week, you’ll want to sneak it in. If the baby is in your bed, then get up and go to the living room or the dining room table. Stop making an excuse that you don’t have time to reconnect with the person you love more than anyone in the world. If you have time to eat, brush your teeth, or take a shower…you have time to make the spice.

Of course, you can make your own rules up to your taste. The main thing is you put your marriage first. It’s very easy to fall into a slump and wish things were different, but it’s so easy to spice up your marriage. If you fall back into your old routine, take a week and play “Perk”, until you’re back to thinking, planning, and anticipating your time together.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#3 June 8th, 2012


Dear Deb,
When I first met my boyfriend, he would go out clubbing with me, and take me on dates. We had a great time! Now that we're married, he doesn't want to go out at all. His idea of a good time is sitting in front of the television and staying home. How can I make him want to go out and have a good time. I work from home, and I'm tired of never going anywhere fun.

Too young to be boring

Dear Too young to be boring,

I'm going to take a wild guess that your husband works away from home. He gets to go out every day, and home is his place to relax and lounge around in his boxers. You're the opposite. That doesn't mean you can't get some groovin' going on the dance floor. But, you will have to find a way to motivate him. Besides changing his diet toward protein and Red Bull for added energy, let's do something else that will give him the oomph to get up from the couch, shall we?

Slumps, comfy spots, routines, can affect a marriage. When one person isn't happy, you can bet the other person isn't happy either. So, we need to give a little to get a little.

You need to find something that you can give your husband. Does he like baseball? Buy the tickets, get dressed, and meet him at the door ready to go. He won't want to miss the game.

I love this one! Whisk him into the shower when he gets home with promises to wash his...um, back. He's not going to tell you no. Afterward, get dressed in a new dress, put your makeup on, fluff your hair, and then point to the pile of clothes you've set out for him. He'll look at you strangely, and probably grunt "what's that for?" at you, but just smile. Tell him you have another surprise for him, but he has to get dressed and come with you. Add rules if you must. Not being allowed to ask questions would be a good one! Then show him a night on the town. Take him on a date. Giving a little goes a long way. 1) You got to go out. 2) You gave him the idea that spontaneity is fun, and now he'll want to give you something special...like another date.

Enlist one of his guy friends to help. This works best if you’re friends with the guy’s wife/girlfriend. Plan a double date. Have the guy friend ask him to go, because it’ll be fun…dude.

If you’re the adventuresome type, be gone when he arrives home. Leave a note saying, “I’ve got a surprise for you and it includes chocolate, wine, and a very skimpy dress. Meet me at A La Me for Dessert at 6:00pm.” (warning: You have to really trust your husband for this one.) It might help if you text him during the day. Flirt, tease, and get him thinking about what you are planning. He’ll be so curious, you can bet your cookies he’ll be at A La Me at six on the dot!

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#4 June 14, 2012

Dear Deb,
After five years of marriage, I no longer think it’s cute when he leaves his dirty dishes beside the couch. I also don’t think it’s adorable when he laughs about being late for everything. The way he used to make me laugh whenever he smacked my butt in public is no longer funny. Basically, he needs to grow up. How can I make him change?

Wife of a bad comedienne

Dear Wife of a bad comedienne,

Hang on. Back the tractor up! You married him, because you loved him, right? Those qualities at one time endeared him to you. You, m’dear, are the one who changed. Don’t believe me? Ask your husband.

Everyone changes. That’s part of life, and what keeps it fresh. I’m sure at one time my half laugh and snort made my hubs grin. Yet, when he’s tired and the stress of living life gets in the way, he probably finds it as irritating as chomping ice after you’ve drank all the water. The solution of not letting it bother you is to think about the positive. Okay, so your husband leaves his dirty dishes beside the couch. Think of three positive things your husband does do. Does he work a full time job? Does he take out the trash without you asking? Were those clean sheets on the bed last night that he laundered himself? Thinking about the good things he does keeps you from losing your cool.

But, I agree with you too. I hate dirty dishes scattered around the house. He’s an adult. You’re not his mother or his maid. He needs to pick up after himself. Have you tried asking him politely? Maybe he believes you’ll pick them up, because you always have before. Maybe he doesn’t realize how irritating it has become for you. Remember, old habits are hard to break. He won’t master the task overnight, and he will forget. That’s when humor and fun enter the picture. Feel free to stand in the middle of the living room, flash him, and say, “You want this? Then pick up your bowl and put it in the dishwasher.” Did he jump? Let’s hope he’s smart enough to get a clue. If not, step up your game. Women have the best bargaining chip of anyone. Sex. Use sex to promote good behavior. Trust me, when he later smacks your butt…it won’t be irritating. You’ll laugh like you used to…partly in the knowledge you beat him in his own game, and you have to admit, you thought it was endearing back when you were dating.

You might be wondering why I’m telling you that the problem lies in your reaction to him. That’s because it’s your reaction that changed. It’s an easy fix. Some say sex isn’t a game and shouldn’t be used to sway another person’s mind…well, they’re wrong. Sex has been a part of human nature since the first caveman dragged his woman by the hair into the cave. Boys have chased girls around the playground since George Washington went to school. Dating is a game. Marriage is a commitment, and we forget that the game of sex can continue. Anything that puts a smile on two people’s faces can’t be all bad, huh?

What I’m getting at is lighten up. We all change and mature. There’s no stopping it. Remember why you married him, and spice up your marriage. Don’t play the role of his mother or maid…that’s irritating for him too. Good luck, and let me know how things work out.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#5 - June 22, 2012

Dear Deb,
I thought sleeping in the same bed with the man I love was supposed to be enjoyable. I envisioned cuddles and laying my head on his shoulder, dreaming about our future. Instead, I have a man who complains about the heat, doesn’t want my legs touching him, and every time I roll over he wakes up to complain. I’m fed up.
Moving to the couch

Dear Moving to the couch,

Keep those pillows on the bed! It’s all about timing. So many times we think of the bedroom, especially the bed, as a place we go to sleep. Well, that’s what it’s for, right? Wrong! It’s a place to cuddle, make love, talk, and reconnect after being away most of the day. Unfortunately, most of us seek the covers when we’re tired and ready to rejuvenate the body with much needed sleep. Yet, one (and I suspect both of you) still need the cuddles, the lovin’, the sheets tanglin'.

Try to set apart some free time when you both can lay down and talk. Don’t bring all of life’s stresses into the bedroom, that’ll heat up the room too much. Instead, make the bed a place where fun happens. Offer him a backrub. Ask him to give you a massage. Sit on top of the bed and play a game of checkers together. When he walks in the bedroom, jump up on the bed and perform a strip tease act. Trust me, when you get tangled in your jeans and fall, you will have a soft landing. I love the sleep number beds for just that purpose (#36, very soft). Most of all get him laughing. Have a good time with whatever you do. What you’re doing is showing him that the bed is for other things than sleeping. In fact, the bed is your comfort zone. It’s the one place that is for you both to connect with each other. Before long, he’ll realize that it’s okay to play in bed. It also lets you receive the much needed closeness you crave before it’s time to sleep.

Whatever activity you do in bed to bring the happiness back into the bedroom, remember this is a time to grow closer. Touches, kisses, teasing, tickling, goofiness is all encouraged. Get out all the cuddles, bumping uglies, and laughter out of the way before it’s time to sleep. Then when you’re ready to settle down and close your eyes, he’ll be more relaxed. You’ll be satisfied, because you had his attention. And, hopefully, you’ll both get a good nights sleep. Some people enjoy sleeping without touching another person, or they’re light sleepers. That’s not something you can change easily without a battle. But, your need to connect with your man is changeable. It’s all about timing. Your goal is for both of you to be happy.

Remember, love is simple. People are complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#6 - June 29, 2012


Dear Deb,
The biggest complaint I hear from my husband is I never talk with him. Considering we work at the same office and deal with each other all day long and again when we get home, I believe he’s delusional. We talk a lot. To be fair, I’ll tell you what he’s angry about. He hates that I go to book club night once a week and he hates that I talk on the phone to my friends. He also complains that I like to go shopping and hang out with my girlfriends on the weekend. He doesn’t get that we’re together all the time, so I need a break. I’ve tried starting conversations about things that interest me, but he’s all about work, sports, and working around the house. None of those things interest me. Help!

Gimme a Break

Hi Gimme a Break,

I hear this a lot. Usually it’s the wife complaining about her husband not talking to her enough. Forget all about his complaints. There really is a simple reason why he’s complaining to you so much. He wants more from you and your relationship. No biggy! We all go through phases when we need that connection with another person. Be happy that he’s looking for that attention with you. You find your down time with your girlfriends and at your book club. So, you have to understand that when he’s asking you to spend more time with him or talk to him instead of phoning Sally Seawater about the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy, he’s jealous. Naturally so. He’s telling you he needs you!

Do you have to stop calling Sally? Do you have to leave your book club meeting and the wonderful conversations about about 50 Shades of Gray and Rodeo Rebel? Nope. What you need to do is have conversations that mean something to your husband. This is about him. Maybe he wants to talk about the Football game. You can listen, even if this is something that doesn’t interest you. It could be that something at work is bothering him. Give him the chance to tell you. Whatever it is, it’s a huge deal to him. Enough so he picks an argument with you. Give him your time. There’s 24 hours in a day, and I know you already spend a lot of time together, but what is one more hour? If he’s like a lot of men, it’s not that he wants to sit down and have a chit chat about his feelings. He just wants you there. Ever heard the expression, “I have your back?” That’s what he needs.

Show him that you support him. Find something new that you both enjoy doing together. Buy him season tickets. Agree to go with him to the games and use it as an excuse to dress as a rabid fan. You know he’ll like that, right? Besides, warmed up hotdogs and soggy buns are good…don’t let anyone tell you differently. Fantasy basketball/Football…something you can do at home. He’ll like the competition. Bet on a game on television. Make it interesting, and put a little spice in your marriage. A kiss for every time the announcer yells, “Touchdown.” Maybe bet him that if his team wins, he gets one whole day with you doing anything he wants.

Most of all, it doesn’t have to be you doing what he likes. It’s about you both doing something as a team. If you like to cook, take one day a week to try some new recipes. Make him stick around and be the taste tester. Host a game day at your house, and supply the beer and snacks. He’ll be proud of you in front of his friends and that you’ve taken an interest in what he enjoys. Doesn’t mean you can’t invite the wives and girlfriends of the other guys who are bonding over beer and brats for a powwow in the kitchen at the same time. See where I’m going with this? Game, Match, Score!

Give him your time. Some day you’ll want the same in return, and if you keep the relationship alive and spicy, he’ll be there for you.

Remember, love is simple. People are complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#7 - July 6th, 2012 


Dear Deb,
I don’t like my husband’s friends. They’re immature slackers who only want to party, play pool, and hang around our house. It’s probably because we’re the only ones who own a house! Any time I want alone time with my husband, we get interrupted because Billy Bob Bozo needs a ride to the softball field or Tim Talks Too Much got stranded on his way to work, because his car broke down. I feel like I’m raising his friends. How can I get rid of his friends? It’s the only thing my husband and I fight about. He won’t step back, because he’s known them since grade school. If I have to play nice with any of their temporary girlfriends again, I might go postal.

Sick of the boys


Dear Sick of the boys,

Boys. They do take a long time to grow up, don’t they? This is a common problem when you’re one of the first of a group to go off and get married. It’s hard to put away the single life and get down to serious business. Although your problem is legit…you have to think about it from your husband’s side. He’s known these guys since grade school. That’s huge! They’ve seen him strike out during All-Stars and didn’t blame him for losing the game. They shared in his joy over his first kiss. Laughed with him when he got stood up at prom. Heck, they probably sliced the palm of their hands and become blood brothers while sneaking their first beer. They’ve got history! He’s comfortable with them, and doesn’t see how immature they’re acting.

You don’t want to break up long friendships, but you do want to nurture and grow your marriage. So, don’t try to break the friendship apart. If you can step back and think about what friendship means, I’m sure you’d want him to have friends. You love him. You want everyone to love him.

What you do want is a break. Set some ground rules. If it’s having dinner at home every night without his friends playing Nintendo Wii in the family room, tell him. But also give him time to have his buddy’s over. Maybe on a Saturday when you go grocery shopping. Let him have a Friday night party, but make sure everyone understands that the rest of the week is meant for you and your husband. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but the boys are going to grow up and one by one they will find women who love them. They’ll get married. Then they’ll be someone else’s problem. If you play your cards right, you will be friends with their wives, your kids will be friends with their kids, and you’ll laugh about how stupid they were when they were single. It could be a beautiful thing. Once his friends respect you for supporting your husband instead of ragging on him all the time, they will become your friends too. And, I don’t know about you, but it’s a good feeling to know someone has your back. They’ve watched out, supported, and loved your husband since they leg wrestled on the monkey bars during recess. They might be strange and juvenile, but they love your husband.

Be firm, but be understanding. Respect between you and his friends needs time to grow.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#8 - July 13th, 2012


Dear Deb,
My husband has a bad habit. Anytime I ask him a question, he answers with another question. You have no idea how irritating I find it to even talk to him anymore. If I ask him what he wants for dinner, he answers with a "what do you want for dinner?" Two days ago, I took a day off work to paint the bathroom. I was proud of myself. It looked great, and I was anxious for him to come home so I could show it off. He arrived home, I asked him if he liked the new paint job, and you know what my husband said? He asked me if I liked the paint color. How do I get him to give me his opinion and hold a normal conversation?

Done talking

Dear Done talking,

That's an old trick to take the attention off him. My kids used to do that all the time. "Did you eat the last cookie?" My son would answer, "What last cookie?" For kids, it means they're guilty and deflecting the punishment off them. For your husband, I'm assuming he's afraid of what you'll say if he tells you his opinion. Maybe you've had a big fight before and he's trying not to go there again with you.

Since you can't sit him in time out, you're going to have to get tough. Don't give him a choice of what to eat for dinner. If he doesn't like it, force him to share what he does want. Don't get mad, don't condemn him to the silent treatment or start an argument. You need to show him that you value his opinion.

And, because I like to spice up marriages, don't go into this acting like his mother. Make it fun and stress free. Wear a low cut blouse and ask him if your boobs show too much. Will he really say, "Do you think your boobs show too much?" He's your husband, he'll have an opinion.

Give him choices. Should we have sex or watch another rerun of CSI? If he picks CSI, you've got a whole new set of problems...unless he's a diehard CSI fan, then pick another show. You can make it even simpler. Call him at work. Your conversation should go something like this, "Honey, I bought a white negligee and a black teddy with the cutest thong. I'll show them to you tonight, because I want you to tell me which one I should wear this Saturday after we have your company picnic." Give him something to think about all day. No pressure and you're showing him that he has a choice. Most importantly, he'll know that no matter what he picks it’ll be fine with you. There is no wrong answer.

It'll take a while to change a habit, but don't give up on him. Because you don't know what makes him shy away from answering you, you'll have to show him that having an opinion pleases you. A kiss, a touch, a pleasant surprise will go a long way to show him that you notice he’s trying. He'll get the hang of it.

Remember, love is simple. People are complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.


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#9 - July 20, 2012

Dear Deb,
We’re a family who works two different shifts. During the week, I pass my husband on the highway when I’m going to work, and he’s coming home. To make the situation even worse, we have two teenage children and take care of my in-laws (who live with us). It’s not unusual for me to not see my husband during the week, because he’ll get up and go to the gym when I first stumble in the house from working all night. This is the second year with this schedule, and I feel like I’m not even married. On the weekends, I have to shop for groceries, go to the cleaners, and taxi the kids around. My husband either stays home with his parents or takes them to visit his siblings. Sex life? We don’t have one. I know he loves me, and I love him, but sex is the last thing we try to squeeze into our busy schedule. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he only throws up his arms and asks, “What am I supposed to do?” Can you help us figure a way out of our sexless routine and back to how it was when we first got married when we were hot for each other?

Sexless R.N.

Dear Sexless R.N.

First thing I noticed is there’s a lot of passing each other and going in opposite directions happening. You pass each other on the highway, in the morning as you come in the house and he goes out, on the weekends when you’re running errands…whew! You made me tired. The good news is, there are ways to jump start your sex life and turn off the cruise control. Leave ten minutes early for work, and make sure your husband knows you want to meet him for ten minutes between Exit 68 and Exit 70. They don’t call it Exit 69 for nothing! If you’re the adventuresome type, there are always places to meet where two people can find privacy. Heck, you’ve got a houseful of people, that must mean one of you drives a mini-van or SUV, right? Those suckers have lots of room to get your 10 minute groove on. If making out on Thrill Hill isn’t your adrenaline rush, then take the time to sit, hold hands, and share a couple of kisses away from everyone. Connect with your lover and focus on your marriage. It’s nice to be reminded of what you used to have when you were child-free and parent-free.

Once you get comfortable in your new routine, kick it up a notch. Add in a morning routine. Share a shower before he runs off to the gym and you go to bed. Your kids are old enough to leave you alone, and your in-laws…well, they don’t want to see your naked patootie. Get lathered up!

The weekends seem full of family responsibilities, but that doesn’t mean the fun has to stop. It calls for more creativity. If you can’t convince your husband’s siblings to entertain the parents for the day alone without your husbands help, then make it fun for your husband. Sneak a pair of panties in his coat pocket for him to find while he’s sitting at his brother’s place, yawning, and wishing he was home with you. Text him. Call him. Surprise him by showing up and whisking him away. Buy groceries for 2 weeks, instead of one, so you have a free weekend.

Here’s some things to try:

Weekend movie in bed. You both are exhausted…cuddle and reconnect to charge your libido!

Put the fun back in to your life. Whether it’s beaming him with a water balloon and making him chase you, or goofing off and giving him a strip tease as he tries to slip off to the gym. Lifting weights isn’t the only exercise he can do, ya know?

Love letters left in his car, so he’ll think of you all day. Use your lipstick and leave a kiss on the bathroom mirror or on his rearview mirror in the car.

Leave him a treat for when he’s home and you’re at work. Better yet, share dessert together. Go crazy with the whipcream!

Offer him a backrub. Accept his offer when he reciprocates.

Set out a slinky piece of lingerie in your bedroom, with a note. “Hang around in the morning, babe, because I’ve got something special planned for you.”

Dare to outdo each other to get his involvement. You can plan something sexy and fun for ten minutes. Then challenge him to find ten minutes to do something for you.

It’s hard to put away stress, and much easier to keep believing that life has to be busy and chaotic.You and your husband need to make the times you’re together worth the sacrifice. It’s scary. You’ll feel vulnerable. And, deep down I imagine you’re wondering if you still have that spark that you once had so long ago. Yes, you do! But you’ll never know unless you feed it. Love is all about putting yourself out there to the one you love. Sometimes it’s a team effort, and sometimes you need to be the first to forge the way. Go after him, and show him how much your marriage means to you. 

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#10 July 27th, 2012

Dear Deb,
I’ve been married six years. I’m 36 years old and my husband is 38. We each have a kid from a previous marriage that lives with us. My problem is, my husband still spends a lot of time with his ex-wife. They talk on the phone daily about their child, and also spend time with their child together taking him to activities. I don’t understand why he can’t stay away from her. I don’t have any contact with my ex husband, except to drop our child off for his weekend stays and during the summer stay. When he spends time with his ex, I spend the next two days upset. Then he gets mad at me. I don’t want to be jealous, but lately it’s really putting strain on our marriage. I can honestly say, "There is zero spice in our life."

Anonymous Wife

Dear Anonymous Wife,

Marriages that come with ex spouses and children are difficult. What you have to remember is, the previous marriage broke up for a reason. It’s over. When you have a child with someone, you no longer have a marriage but you do have a relationship with your ex. Kudos to your husband (and you) for working out a way to make sure your children are still involved with the other parent. That’s the main goal, right?

It’s time to talk with your husband. If your husband and his ex are taking their child to a baseball game or to Chuck E. Cheese, there should be no reason why you can’t go along. If you’re being left out, then it’s time to sit down and talk. Your husband needs to see how this is putting waves in your marriage. If it’s simple drop off’s or attending a child’s teacher-parent conferences, something that involves the parents of the child only, then you need to let him go alone. Your husband is doing his job as a Dad. Be proud of him for that.

It sounds as if you expect him to have a relationship with his ex, the way you do with yours. That’s not always the case. The one thing in your letter that makes me hesitate on telling you to step back is the fact that you spend days upset, and then he gets mad. If joining your husband and his ex in activities is forbidden, you need to ask yourself why? New ground rules need to be applied, and should’ve been in place before you two got married. It’s time to find a time when you both can be alone and have a serious talk. Don’t forget to encourage him to be a participating Dad, support him, and let him know that you want to be a participating wife. It might not be his desire to leave you out. He might be getting pressure from his ex. Or, maybe not. Alienating yourself from a big part of your new marriage will not solve anything. Invest yourself in making things better at home. Make it impossible for your husband to forget who he is married to now. If after giving your marriage 100% and things haven’t changed, then you know there is a reason for you to be jealous.

Once you feel like you're back to being married (without the ex in the picture all the time), you can work on spicing up your marriage. Baby steps, hon. Feel good about yourself and what you do in your life. He'll notice, and hopefully shape up. Life stresses are hard, and there are always periods in a marriage that are harder than others. Having children that depend on you to keep contact with their other parent are especially hard. Being upset and mad obviously isn’t working. People who get married need to remember what made you say “I do” in the beginning. Go back, and recreate the spark that made it impossible to stay apart. Trust me, your husband remembers those times too. You’re not alone. Find the sparks together.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#11 August 3, 2012

Dear Deb,
For the last month, I’ve asked my husband how he feels about us, and if he’s happy in our relationship. He said we’re fine, but when I pressed him for more of an answer later in the day, he said our relationship could be better. We’ve been married for twelve years, so it’s not like we’re newlyweds and getting to know each other still. Yet, I don’t know why he won’t talk and tell me why he doesn’t think our marriage is good. I asked him why he thinks we need to work on our relationship, and he got angry. So, I dropped the subject for one week. On Friday, I asked him again if we could talk in the morning and he said yes. He hates arguing or any kind of confrontation, so I wanted to make sure there was no pressure and he had time to think about what he’d say. On Saturday, when I reminded him that we were going to talk, he said to forget about it, everything is fine, and he’s happy. He acts happy. We haven’t had any problems, but because he said our relationship could be better that one time and then got mad, I feel like he’s hiding something from me. I’m willing to work on our marriage if he’s not happy. I do love him. How can I get him to open up and be honest with me if he won’t tell my why he said our relationship could be better?

Needs to know

Dear Needs to know,

Have you ever heard of making a mountain out of a mole hill? You asked your man if he was happy in the relationship, and he said he was FINE. You’re grading him on a test he had no idea you were giving him. Your constant need to find security in his answer, set him up for failure. You have him now thinking you’re not happy. Let me tell you a little secret. Men take responsibility for their wife’s happiness. If you’re not happy, they see it as falling down on their job, and they go into fix it mode. All he’s hearing coming out of your mouth is, “I’m not happy, our relationship needs work, and I want to talk to you about what you’re doing wrong.” That’s why he became defensive and doesn’t want to talk.

Instead, show him how happy you are with your relationship. Are you glad to see him at the end of the day? Do you show him? Because, honey, men don’t hear words. They like action. Do you make him feel special? Again, don’t tell him he’s special…show him. If you have a happy man, he’s putty in your hands. You do not have to ask if he’s happy, because you’ll be wearing a smile so big the world can see how solid your relationship is.

Concentrate on making you both smile. Answer these questions…

Do you make his favorite meal? That tells him you think he’s important. You’re putting him first.
Do you show affection without him asking for any? Everyone wants to feel wanted.
Do you show him you love him by putting him first in your life? Men understand action.

Try to answer those three questions and put them into action this week. I’ll bet you’ll see results of how happy your husband is in no time.

If you want a deep conversation about feelings and happiness, call your girlfriends or join a book club. If you want a happy relationship with your husband, you’re going to have to work for it. Once you’re both happy, there won’t be a question in your mind how your husband feels. You’ll know it, because he’ll show you. And, honey, when a man shows you he’s happy…it’s all good, and you won’t have to question him.

Remember, love is simple. People are complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.


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#12 August 10, 2012

Dear Deb,
I have a problem with the way my husband works so hard to have sex with me. I know this sounds strange, but I’m sick of manicures, spa days, gift cards, take me out to fancy dinners, buy me new clothes, all the obvious ways that my husband keeps gifting me with things so I’m obligated to have sex with him. I finally got angry last weekend when he hired a babysitter without telling me and arranged my mom to come pick me up for a day of shopping. He only does those things so I’ll feel like having sex with him, and he can use it against me. During the argument, he said he was entitled to sex because we’re married. I just want to feel like he loves and desires me. Instead, I feel like I owe him because he did something nice for me. The rest of our marriage is good, I just don’t understand how sex stopped being fun and is now an obligation.

Obligated wife

Dear Obligated wife,

I have three dogs (Wishbone, Abby, and Doofus). I give Abby a bone, and she gingerly takes the treat from my hand and lays at my feet to enjoy it. She takes her time, and that bone can last for two days. A nibble here, a lick there, and every so often she’ll look up, catch my eye, and I swear to God, total devotion and love is in her gaze. Doofus fairly bites my hand and the bone is gone in one crunch, and he’s instantly looking for another bone. Wishbone sits pretty and patient. She’ll bark, wag her tail, lay down, roll over, and when rewarded, she’ll eat the bone.

I treat my dogs all the same. Yet, why do they react so differently? (stick with me, I’m a country gal and like to use dogs as a way to explain life)

The problem you’re having in your marriage is caused by not understanding where your husband is coming from. Don’t freak out yet, I’m not done. Your husband has a few things to learn too. Let’s deal with the way your husband feels entitled to sex. I agree with his theory. We get married, and one of the wonderful things about being married is knowing that sex is included in the package. We can have it whenever we want, where we want it, and no one can stop us. For some reason, your husband feels like he has to work for sex. Whether you are too busy, too tired, too fed up with the gifts, he feels like doing something nice for you and making your day easier will pay off with the big wiggle…or the bone. In his mind, he wants you to be like my dog, Abby. He wants you to enjoy his treat, and more importantly, he wants you to take your time, nibble here, lick there, and gaze up at him with total love in your eyes.

Instead, you’re eating the bone in one crunch. Ouch!

Have you talked with your husband and let him know that he doesn’t have to buy you gifts for sex? Let him know that all you want is to feel loved, desired, and to connect with him on a level that makes the gifts unnecessary. You should want to have sex, because you desire your husband. I think once he catches on, it’ll mean more to him that you’re freely giving him a bone because HE deserves it, YOU deserve it. It all comes down to communication. He’s sticking with pampering you, because you feel obligated to repay him in bed. It’s working for him, right? But, because you’re not satisfied, you need to speak up. You mentioned that you argued. Why?

There are simple ways of changing, so there’s no need to have an argument or hurt the other person’s feelings.

1. Keep the conversation to “I” feelings. Examples: I feel obligated. I don’t need to be bought. I don’t like how you put me in the position of owing you. I want to feel desired. I want you just to want me. Stay away from accusing each other. Don’t tell him: You need to stop. You make me feel like it’s my duty. You don’t talk to me any more.

2. If he doesn’t understand by talking, and a lot of men don’t, you’ll have to show him. Surprise him, and show affection. Reach out and hold his hand, straighten his tie, rub his shoulders while he sits at the table eating dinner. Let him know that you want to be intimate and have a connection outside of sex. And yes, prove to him that you don’t need pretty fingernails to have sex with him. This is important, because if you want to prove you’re being honest about the gifts, you have to do your part on getting yourself to want sex, for sex’s sake.

We often stick with what works, because it’s easier. No one said marriage wasn’t going to be hard work. You have to keep communicating, until each person is fulfilled. Some things won’t work, and others will. The fun part is discovering more about your spouse and keeping the connection. Bonding, intimacy, and feeling like your husband is the only person in the world who understands you is a goal. There’s no rule that says you have to stick with what works. Marriage is an adventure…keep talking, showing, trying, nibbling, licking, until you both gaze into each others eyes and you know you see devotion and love staring back at you.

I say this a million times…remember the early years when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? How did you act? How were you treated? How did you feel? You married each other for a reason, and somewhere you lost that zest for each other. It’s not too late, but it does take effort. You’re worth it. He’s worth it. And, dangit, the dog’s worth it. Everyone needs a bone…it’s up to you whether you want to nibble and lick the treat.

Remember, love is simple. People are complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#13 August 17, 2012

Dear Deb,
My husband is a long haul trucker, sometimes gone for up to 7-10 days at a time. I’m a stay at home mom of two young kids. If I’m lucky, he gets to stay at home for four days in between jobs. My problem is, I got a week or more wanting him home and can’t wait until he’s back with the family. But, the reality is when he arrives, it’s not as fun or relaxing as I remember it being before the kids were born. He even jokes when he’s home that maybe he shouldn’t come home. I can’t even say it’s his fault for how we’re getting along. The nights I envision cuddled up in front of the television or putting the kids to bed together and eating a late dinner alone over candlelight never happens. I get so down on myself that I can’t make our home life a place where he wants to come home to relax from his job.

A failure

Dear You’re not a Failure,

Deep breath, hon. For one, you’re doing the single parenting gig during his absence. You’re tired, overwhelmed, and needing adult time. Your intentions are good, and your ideas are wonderful, but you’re letting disappointment on not achieving the dream reunion ruin the mood…and that’s unfair. I’m going to assume that you are taking responsibility for how home life is when you’re all together. That’s what women do. We nurture, organize, and make sure everyone is happy. Yet, we often forget that the most important person we should be making happy is ourselves. You’ve heard the old saying, “If momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.” It’s true.

The fact that your husband jokes about not coming home hurts you, because you’re taking him seriously. Since I can’t tell from your email, why do you think it’s a joke? Does he tease? Does he laugh as he tells you that? Odds are he’s trying to lighten the moment. He’s your man, and he doesn’t like to see you putting so much pressure on yourself. The fact that he believes not coming home is going to make that easier on you, shows how much he loves you. He’s willing to put your wants ahead of his wants. He’s trying to make you happy.

Let’s get down to what you can do to lose the pressure and get down to the cuddling.

Go crazy cleaning the house before he gets home if that’s important to you. Make sure the kids have their baths, hair trims, and tantrums. Let their excitement on seeing their daddy again infect you. That’s it. You’ve got a family. There are supposed to be toys on the floor, banana gunk dried on the edge of the chair seat, and spontaneous combustions. Your husband missed all that when he was gone, let him breath in the sweet scent of children in the house and enjoy being a father. He expects the kids to bounce off the walls, wrestle, and fight over him. Let him have his moment. You know what you’re supposed to do? Sit back and watch them. It’s sexier than hell seeing the man you love giggle over baby dolls and grin over pirate ships.

Loosen up on doing everything yourself. So what if your husband winds the kids up before bed and bounces on the mattress with them. You’re making memories. Memories you’ll both need when they’re teenagers. You won’t remember the times you dissolved into tears because the kitchen was dirty or the kids didn’t go to bed until midnight. You’ll remember when hubs picked up the toy phone and pretended to call mommy, while winking at you and making his kid smile.

Once those kids are in bed, forget everything, except your husband. That’s right. Let the dishes sit in the sink, let his stinky duffle bag wait until tomorrow. You have all the right ideas on what you should be doing. Put them into play. Cuddle in front of the television, sneak outside to the porch and sit on his lap, or just get down to bumping uglies…he has been gone for a week. Make it worth him coming home and get rid of the tension, girlfriend.

Most of all, life doesn’t have to be perfect. You had all week to blow up the homecoming to levels that won’t happen when you have young kids and a husband who works away from home. Take your own vacation when he’s home, and leave the real work for when he’s gone. No husband is going to complain about a messy house or wrinkled clothes when you have him too busy to notice such things.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex. 

Deb 

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding. 

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#14 August 24th, 2012


Dear Deb,
I’m hoping you can help me with some ideas. I was married, then got divorced, but now I want my ex-husband back. I believe it's mutual, and he wants me back too. At least the last two times he asked me out for dinner, that's what I believed. Except I was too scared to go out with him. We divorced because we were young and immature. That was five years ago, and we both thought we were doing the best thing for us at the time.

But, I still love him. I want to accept an invitation to go out to dinner with him, but I blamed him for everything when we split. I feel guilty, so I’ve been telling him I’m busy. Looking back, getting divorced was my idea. I didn’t know what else to do. Now I find myself insecure on all my decisions. I want to be the person I believe I am, yet when I'm around him, I'm afraid of showing him that I'm a woman who knows what she wants, and he’ll think it’s an act. I guess I'm afraid he'll laugh at me, or accuse me of changing from the girl he remembers. How can I get over my fear, and tell him how I feel about him. I want to tell him my feelings never changed, I did, and I'm sorry. Deep inside, I fear that he hates me.

The ex who grew up

Dear The ex who grew up,

The emotion it takes to love and hate is the same. Let me explain. You can’t hate a person if you don’t feel anything toward them. They can irritate you, anger you, and disgust you, but it doesn’t hurt you to feel those emotions. You can only hate someone, because you let yourself become vulnerable. The person you hate hurt you, and it hurts because you loved them. Now, go back and read my advice from the beginning until it sinks in.

So with that said, your worst fear is that your ex-husband hates you. Well, I say good! That’s wonderful, because he has the emotions and the vulnerability it takes to love you…again.

The fact that he asked you out to dinner is a huge sign. Growing up isn’t a bad thing. He’s matured too. Go slow, don’t rush anything, and when the timing is right, be honest. You’re so worried about how he will perceive you, and he could be seeing something in you that is grabbing his attention. Just maybe, he likes the changes. It took a lot of guts for him to approach you and ask you out to dinner. But, don’t be afraid of showing a bit of your old self. She’s still inside you, and you can’t hide her away in fear that if he recognizes old habits you’ll scare him away. As you rekindle, those sparks that were there from the start of your relationship will return if it’s meant to be. You’ll feel pushed and pulled in two different directions, and it’s all good. Let it happen naturally.

If having dinner with him is too much pressure, how about a picnic at a park? Drinks at a local bar? Go where you feel comfortable. Even meeting for coffee and donuts early some Sunday morning before you have time to work yourself into a nervous wreck thinking about it all day will give you a hint at what is going through his mind. You’ve claimed you’re a woman who knows what she wants, so go for it. The worst that could happen is it doesn’t work out, but you tried. If you don’t try, you’ll always regret it and wonder what could’ve happened between you two.

When the timing is right, be honest. Claim your part of being at fault for the divorce (though it’s never 1 person’s fault), and tell him how you’re feeling now. You’ll gain his respect, and that’s a wonderful thing.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.


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#15 August, 31, 2012

Dear Deb,

Help! My fifth wedding anniversary is next month, and I need a sexy way to make the night memorable. I want to surprise and show him I’m not only a mom to our two little girls, but the woman who can make all his dreams come true.

Aiming big

Dear Aiming big,

I love this! Let’s get the ideas rolling for you.

Depending on your man, you have a couple ways to approach the big day. You’ll be the best person to decide if you should warn him, or surprise him. Is he easy going and spontaneous? If yes, go for the surprise. If he likes to plan and live by a schedule, you’ll want to set it all up and inform him you’ve got something planned ahead of time. You don’t have to tell him what the plans are, but some men like to know you have an ulterior motive so they can open themselves up to enjoying the moment.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like planned activities. Usually, this leads to disappointment for the person doing the planning if something goes wrong. You don’t want to do that on your anniversary. I could suggest that you hide surprises around town that you both happen to find that represent your past. Bells will ring, fireworks will go off, and you’ll both be transported to a happier time when it was just the two of you being young lovers…blah, that’s not real life. It also always backfires.

Instead, pick out something you both enjoy doing. Go out to eat, hit a ball game, go together to the club and work out, see a movie…whatever it is, do it well with the knowledge that you and your hubs have something to celebrate. Since I’m a simple gal, I usually focus on things I can do that isn’t going to break the bank. I love to create little moments that we’ll both remember. That’s sexy. That’s special. That’s life.

Here are a few ideas.

1. Lay a bed sheet on the floor, and serve dinner on the sheet. Rule: No utensils. Eat with your fingers. Feed him with your fingers. Lick his fingers!

2. Massages for both of you! You can pay others to massage both of you together, so you can smile across the table at each other. Or, you can give him a massage and ask for the favor to be returned. Doing it at home gives you the freedom to be silly, sexy, and explore.

3. Scented candles set the mood. Are you done spending your time on the town celebrating? Go home and light a few candles, and relax.

4. Put some music on. If you can get him to dance…you’re a better woman than me! A little bubbly (or bottle of beer), music, brings you both down to a level where it’s easy to talk.

5. Buy a sexy piece of lingerie, or a silky robe,  to cap your night off. Give him something pretty to see you in, and wear it like you own it. Nothing makes you feel sexier than seeing approval in your man’s eyes.

Remember how I told you I didn’t like planned activities. I fooled you! Those five examples are activities around the 5 senses.

1. Taste
2. Touch
3. Smell
4. Hear
5. See

What I’m getting at is not so much what you do, it’ll be special regardless of any special plans, but let things happen naturally…you’re just giving your sexy night a little help. You’re two people in love who have something to celebrate. You asked for sexy, and the best way to get down to the sexy is to heighten your body’s response to the opposite sex. What I’ve done above is give you examples on how to tickle the hormones and titillate each other. For everyone else who isn’t celebrating an anniversary, these are good things to remember for every day life. Women have been pleasing men by cooking for them for years. Why not take it one or two steps further, and please them in other ways too.

Happy Anniversary (which should be next week!) and congratulations on hitting the big 5!

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.


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#16 - September 7th, 2012


Dear Deb,

I’m 20 years old, and have been in a relationship for 2 years. Lately he’s been hinting that we should get married. I want to, but I’m not even sure if what we have is love. Everyone keeps telling me that what I’m feeling is love, but since I can’t identify exactly what it is I feel toward my boyfriend, how can I know? I like him. I can’t imagine life without him. But, I’ve felt this way before in a previous relationship, and ended up not liking the guy as much as I thought I did. Am I missing an emotion?

Clueless and confused

Hi Clueless and confused,

Let me say that I don’t think anyone will give you an answer that makes sense. Love is something that’s in the air. Some days you can be so happy, you can feel it. Other days, you have to reach out, grab it, and still you’ll wonder if what you’re holding in your hand is love. I’ve been married 23 years, and I can tell you I know what love is. I feel it. I see it. I hold it tight in my hand. But, I was your age, and I remember having the same question. Don’t worry, I’m not telling you that it’s impossible for someone to know at your age. I was married at 20 years old (yep, same guy I’m still married to). I knew I was in love. But, I couldn’t explain or describe love. It was just there, and I held on to it and let it grow into something huge.

When I was newly married, I kept a journal. Besides writing down all the things I was doing in life, I jotted down little messages of what I thought love was. Some are silly. Some are endearing. Some are very simple. I’ll share some with you, and maybe it’ll help you see how love shows itself. Love is so much more than just saying I love you. You have to have your eyes wide open and look for love.

LOVE IS…

Love is...tracing words on his bareback, and having him guess what you're writing. 

Love is...wearing an apron every time you cook, because he once whispered that it was sexy.

Love is...that rough, solid hand cupping your cheek. For no reason.

Love is...him putting your cold hands under his shirt to warm them on his stomach.

Love is...finding your picture in his tool box.

Love is...being wrapped in a blanket together in front of an outdoor fire, listening to crickets and not saying a word.

Love is...that pause after you say goodbye on the phone that says more than anything.

Love is...waking up to find him covering you with a blanket.

Love is...dancing in the kitchen when you're alone, and finding him watching you with THAT look.

Love is...him brushing the snarls out of your hair with gentle, yet strong calloused hands.

Love is...when he takes off his shirt to wipe rainwater out of the tractor seat for you.

Love is...having him walk on the other side of you, just because he doesn't want you closest to traffic.

Love is...making him laugh in the rain.

Love is...the misshaped caramel square he carried in his pocket all day, just so he could give it to you when he came home.

Love is...when he doesn't let you doubt or put yourself down.

Love is…when he doesn't let you stay mad.

Love is...hearing a whispered, "I love you," in your ear when he believes you're asleep.

Love is...finding out he talks about you all the time to his friends.

Love is...him twisting the cap off the wine cooler, so you won't hurt your hand.

Love is...wearing his flannel shirt and nothing else.

Love is...participating in a no utensils allowed dinner on a blanket in the living room floor.

Love is...watching him sleep with a newborn kitty on his chest to keep it alive.

Love is...an unhurried walk along the ocean.

Love is...that first time he allows you to cut his hair.

Love is...always being fascinated by how much larger his hands are to yours.

Love is...having someone else around to help you take off your boots.

Love is...asking, "Are you asleep?" and receiving the answer, "No."

Love is...trying to make your shadows have sex, and laughing until tears roll down your face at how stupid you look.

Love is...knowing there's always someone to run to that will hold you.

Love is...knowing you can share a secret with him, because it's his secret too.

Love is...when he doesn't shove your head under the blanket and fart, and instead grins to let you know he could've...but he didn't.

Love is...remembering the anniversary of when your dad died, and without saying anything, comforts you.

Love is...the brush of his hand against your hip that lets you know he's there.

Love is...when he protects you from the rain, as if you'd melt.

Love is...that shared look, because you know him so well.

Love is...finding a note you wrote him above the visor of his truck...months ago.

Love is...hearing the words, "I'll never leave you."

Love is...having that one person you can tell anything to.

Love is...the soft pat on your bottom when no one is looking.

Love is...hurrying home, because you can't wait to be together.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#17 - September 21, 2012

Dear Deb,

I’ve been married for five years. It’s all good, except when we disagree or fight. Then my husband instantly states he doesn’t want to talk about it and goes out to the garage. Normally, I follow, because I want to discuss what is the matter. All he does is keep pushing me away until I blow up and he gets angry. Then we’re fighting about the fight, but not about what caused the disagreement. I take this as losing. Nothing gets resolved, because now I’m mad at him about the problem plus him getting angry at me. It happened last night. He came home from work, we were eating dinner and I asked him if we were going to go to his parent’s house for dinner over the weekend. He said he didn’t know yet. How could he not? So, I called him on it, and asked why he can’t just tell me if we are or not. He got up from the table, said he didn’t want to talk about it now, and went into the garage. How can I stop him from walking away?

Needs to talk

Dear Needs to talk,

I pulled your email out of the 20 or so emails asking for help that I get every week, because it’s a common problem I hear from others. Plus, I have a hubs who would rather walk away than argue with me. I know your frustrations and yet, I can tell you from 23 years of experience that following him to prove a point and argue won’t make anything better. Sure, you might feel better after raising your voice, kicking a pair of shoes out of your way, and glaring at the dog. But, nothing gets solved. In fact, as you mentioned, it created more problems.

You have to accept that you two have different personalities. You’re vocal. He’s not. Have you ever brought up a subject, asked his opinion, and when he says he doesn’t want to talk about it…you just leave him alone? What happens? I’m betting you haven’t tried it. It’s hard, and it pushes all your buttons. Try it next time. I’ll stretch out on a limb and bet he’ll answer you on his own time. Men are not stupid. He’s not going to forget about it. You don’t have to keep reminding him. What happens is, he honestly doesn’t have an answer for you. Maybe he wants to think about your question. Maybe he knows what he’ll say will make you upset. Maybe now isn’t a good time to discuss something, because he has something bothering him and he really wishes he could talk to you. But, because you jumped on him, he’s now overwhelmed with his problem and your problem.

Or, he simply does not like to fight.

Some time in the future, you’ll have to sit down and discuss why he likes to walk away. And, that includes telling him about your need to argue and win.

In my case with hubs, I’m competitive and strong. Disagreements trigger a challenge for me to prove myself right. I know it’s shocking, but I’m not always right. He’s right about 10% of the time. Hubs walks away because he’s a thinker and he’s even stronger than I am. He has to check himself. Putting his feelings, his thoughts, his opinion out to me takes time because his goal is to “make everything right”. He’s a fix everything guy. He doesn’t talk, he solves problems. That’s all. Usually if I don’t follow, he’ll approach me in a couple of hours after figuring it all out in his head, and give me an answer. Does this work all the time? Hell no! Like I said, I’m usually right and I’m competitive. 

Arguments are arguments. Everyone has them. The same emotions that boil to the surface are the same emotions that grab you in the middle of sex. I say rope that passion, go straight to the makeup sex, and forget about going to the parents’ house for dinner.

None of us are perfect. You’re married, so you have to figure out a way to make it work. If following him always ends up in a bigger fight, then stop. Pick your battles. Give and take. Going to his parents is on his shoulders, let him be. If the next discussion is about going to your side of the family, then discuss/follow/argue all you want if that’s going to make you feel better. I bet it won’t, but hey, I’m just a romance author who writes stories full of problems like yours and they always get a happily ever after.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#18 - September 21, 2012

Dear Deb,

I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years and live with my boyfriend. Something happened last weekend that’s starting to worry me. We were at a club, having a good time. My boyfriend went up to the bar to get us another drink and a woman totally ogled him. The message was clear, she wanted my man. He didn’t even notice her, and returned to the table. I told him about the woman and pointed her out. She happened to be staring at him still. He laughed. I admit, at the time I found it funny too.

But, we talked about it on the way home. I told him I thought it was strange that a woman would be that daring when it was obvious I was with him and he was taken. He smiled and said, “That’s because you’re a good girl. You’d never act like her.”

Now I feel like he thinks I’m a prude. Do you think he was trying to tell me something?

Good Girl


Dear Good Girl,

He was with you at the club. He took you home to his bed. And, the ogling woman didn’t even gain his attention before the conversation.

By him telling you that you’re a good girl, he’s saying you’re the type of woman a man stays with for a lifetime. A good girl is a keeper. He’s telling you that he trusts you around other men, and that makes a man feel good. It makes a man want to keep you, because you make him happy.

It really is that simple.

Should you be outgoing and blatant in how much you desire your man? Sure! What man doesn’t like to know he’s wanted? His comment was not about him thinking you were a prude. Take it as a sign that your relationship is solid.

My advice? Rock that good girl reputation! It’s always a good idea to spice things up. It’s easy to fall into a routine and take a relationship for granted after being together for four years. If you feel like you want to keep him on his toes and put a little ogling into his life, go for it.

Do your own flirting…toward him.
Buy him a drink next time.
Dress for him, because you know he likes it and is proud of you.
Surprise him with a sexy romp and keep him on his toes.
Dance naked together in the living room.

I imagine you do all this or have done this in the last four years, because you’ve kept your man and he loves you. Remember to keep the relationship fresh, and offer new ways for you two to connect on a deeper level. Go show him how much he means to you, and prove to him he really does have a GOOD girl.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#19 - September 28th, 2012

Dear Deb,

A few weeks ago, my husband lost his job when his company downsized. It seems like every day I come home from working, and he’s bummed out because he can’t find a job. I understand his frustrations and if role’s were reversed, I’d be stressed and upset too. But, I want to put some happiness back into our lives. I read your column every Friday, and you always have such good ideas that don’t cost any money. Can you suggest things for us to do, so my husband doesn’t feel so miserable and his loss of a job doesn’t affect our marriage?

I wanna make him happy

Dear I wanna make him happy,

First off, I’m sorry to hear about the loss of his job. That is a huge stressor on a marriage and a person’s happiness. The economy is rough on so many right now, and it’s great that you’re thinking ahead about how this will affect you both.

Let’s get down to the good stuff.

Buy a newspaper – Circle words on each page that will make a statement. You can tell him you love him, or make a funny sentence. This is something that changes up his day, and makes him think that the one thing he does have is YOU.

Pillow fights – Don’t plan it, don’t announce it, just whack him with a pillow! It’s amazing how much this helps get rid of the frustrations that’ve built up over the day. It’s fun, it’s sexy, and a great way to reconnect for both of you.

After dinner sports – There are community tennis courts in every city. If you’ve never played, learn! Go for a walk around the neighborhood, and hold hands. Take the dog to a dog park, and throw the frisbee around. Make sure you go together, because this is about both of you connecting. Exercise is good for mental health.

Text him – He’s busy scouring the wanted ads, and needs a distraction. Get sexy, get wild, and make him smile.

Star gaze – Put a blanket out in the yard, and chill. Try to find the constellations. Talk. This is a perfect time to bring lighthearted conversations into play. You’re not looking at each other, you’re looking at the sky. It’s relaxing. Be honest. Be open. Most of all dream. Don’t ever give up on dreams you two have together.

Massages – I’m a huge believer that a way to a man’s heart is through giving him a massage. It doesn’t even have to be a full massage. Is he hunkered over the computer, putting out resumes? Go behind him and give him a shoulder and scalp massage.

Take digital pictures of each other – Okay, maybe he’ll be stubborn and not want his picture taken. It all depends on how silly he lets himself be. That’s when an automatic timer comes in handy. Set the camera up on the shelf, run over and make a silly face beside him, and keep posing. You want him to laugh, right? Or, ask him to take your picture, and dress up sexy. The more relaxed he becomes, ask him how you should pose. Go with what you’re comfortable with. Is he a car enthusiast? Pose on his car/truck. Is he a golfer? Get those clubs out and show him your swing. Does he like video games? Dress up like his favorite character.

Lie – In my book, Chantilly’s Cowboy, Jack invites Chantilly to watch the submarine races in Montana. (There are no submarine races in Montana and even if there were, you can’t watch submarines under the water) Jack also invites Chantilly out to watch the airplanes land. (There’s no airport nearby). Think up your own lie, and see how far you can take him. It’s a great excuse to be alone, doing a little hanky panky, and have fun.

Those are a few suggestions to get you started, and don’t forget you can check out previous Dear Deb answers here, for more suggestions on how to spice up your relationship. My fingers are crossed that good fortune comes your way in a job offer for your husband and good times for both of you.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.


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#20 - October 5, 2012


Dear Deb,

I’ve been dating the same man for 3 years. We’ve talked about marriage before (lots). I know it’s unconventional, but I’d like to propose to him. I decided I’d do the asking on Christmas morning. That gives me four months to come up with the most memorable marriage proposal ever. But, my best friend who knows my plans also works at the jewelry store in town and sold my boyfriend an engagement ring last week. My boyfriend swore her to secrecy (which she blabbed, because she knows my plans). But, because he never told my friend when he was going to ask, I’m afraid he’ll ask before I can ask him. Is that silly? Should I ask him earlier or let him do the asking? I’m afraid I’ll regret taking the surprise away from him if I ask. What would you do?

Double rings

Dear Double rings,

How awesome is that? I can tell this is going to be a good match, because you both are on the same wavelength. Now, what to do? I’m big on surprises, so I can understand you wanting to be the one who knocks him off his feet by beating him to the punch. Yet, knowing he’s bought your ring…isn’t there a little bit of curiosity about how he’ll pull his surprise off?

Marriage proposals are a huge deal to some men. You’ll know your man the best, so think about if he’ll want to be the one in charge of popping the question. Also, try to imagine what it’ll be like on your ten year anniversary. Will he laugh about how you bested him? Will he look back and think he was cheated out of asking you? The same goes for you. You’re obviously a free thinking woman who isn’t afraid of going after what she wants. How will you feel if he asks you tomorrow and steals your thunder?

I can’t help but think that either way will be a wonderful and exciting experience for you both. If it were me, I’d let him have first crack, but come up with a plan to share how much you love him when he gets down on bended knee. Maybe do a little surprise of your own and show him that you’d planned to ask him to marry you too. Even men like to know they’re loved and wanted.

I’d love to hear the outcome of the double rings, double proposals! (And, congratulations for many years of happiness together. Don’t ever give up on surprising him, even after you’re married)

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#21 - October 13, 2012

Dear Deb,

My husband’s (male) best friend has a girlfriend I can’t stand to be around. Yet, my husband insists we should go out with this couple every Saturday, despite my dislike of the woman. How do I convince him the woman is no good and going out together ruins my whole weekend?

Party Pooper

Dear Party Pooper,

Time to sit down with your husband and have a serious talk. You might want to remind him that you two are married, and decisions that affect the other person need to be decided together. More of a red flag to me is why he puts his friend before his wife. Step up, dude. A wife trumps best friend every time.

With that said, is there anything stopping you from inviting girlfriends or another couple you do enjoy to join the Saturday group thing? Your husband shouldn’t be the only one who has the power to make plans. At least you’d have another female around to talk with, so you can enjoy the evening. No reason to be mean to the best friend’s girlfriend, but no one said you had to like her.

In the perfect scenario, you’d talk with your husband and he’d stop the Saturday night date. Let him know he’s free to hang with his buddy in the garage drinking beer or to play racquetball at the club. There’s no reason to break up their friendship. Although it’s nice that your husband wants to include you in their group, it’s not necessary if it makes you unhappy.

Life changes constantly. Friends come and go. Girlfriends are fleeting fancies. But marriages are forever, and this is another example of bargaining in a marriage. It’s time to get the poker chips out and ante up. Don’t bluff. Don’t cheat. And, definitely don’t fold. Put your cards on the table and deal a new hand.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.


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#22 - October 19, 2012

Dear Deb,

Quick! I need to lose thirty pounds for our eighth anniversary party in December. Not only is this the worst time of the year to try and lose weight, but it’s important. I hired a professional photographer to take our photos before the party and I want to look good. I do not want to look back and be embarrassed about the extra weight I’ve put on. When I mentioned it to my husband, he said he’d help.

I need some hints and suggestions on how to incorporate exercise into our marriage. Neither one of us have made any suggestions on how to move forward with our plan, so any help is appreciated. Hopefully, this will spice up our marriage too!

A chubby, but happy couple

Dear A chubby, but happy couple,

I picked your email out of last weeks invasion of emails I received, because I have the perfect plan! I read somewhere on the web that an orgasm burns 27 calories, yet a faked orgasm burns 160. As someone like you, I could afford to lose a few pounds. Faking orgasms sounds fun, much better than doing situps. My advice: Fake it, baby! If you’re going to play, play big! Go huge! Give him all you’ve got and when you’re out of breath, clawing his back, and working up a sweat, laughing your ass off and having burnt 160 calories doing the fake orgasm, go the extra mile and burn 27 more with the real dealio. Win Win, right? No one said it was one or the other.

Make exercise fun and hands on. Have him do pushups, while you’re laying underneath him. Then have him lay down and you do squats while holding his hands above him. Sure, it’s okay to laugh, tickle, cop a feel and ogle. Who’s going to arrest you? The exercise police? Nah. Have wheelbarrow races in the living room. How far can you roll through your house? Can you balance while standing on his back? Remember airplane rides? All these are silly things, guaranteed laugh makers, but the most important part is it gets you together with your man. You are moving and having fun, inching toward a goal you’ve made together. If you’re the weightlifting type or want to challenge each other on who can go the fastest around the block or do the most situps…go for it.

I will say, that exercise and laughter with your man will do wonders with how you feel about yourself in the anniversary pictures. Even if you don’t lose the thirty pounds, knowing you’re loved and you love your husband makes you look happy no matter what size you are. I bet when the time comes and you view the pictures for the first time, you’ll see a husband whose eyes are lit up with love and he has a smile on his face, because at the exact moment the photographer took his picture, he was thinking of you overcompensating while burning those 160 calories and how much he laughed. Then, he’ll remember how burning the extra 27 calories was the best he ever had. And, that kind of memory means more than looking at yourself in a picture worrying if you look chubby.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#23 - October 26, 2012


This email asking for help arrived in my inbox 6 months ago. I pulled it out in honor of Movember. Please click on HERE to learn how men can bring awareness to men’s health.

Dear Deb,

My husband grew a mustache a month ago. I hate it. Besides the fact that mustaches are out of style, he refuses to shave it off. Help me convince him that a smooth face is better to kiss than shoving a pornstache against my lips.

Married to a porn star

Dear Married to a porn star,

You want honest? I love a man with facial hair. I’m married to a man who has a 6 inch goatee (including the stache) and he goes a week between shaving the sides, so he’s scruffy too. Kissing is hot! I have something to hold on to and can drag him toward me. Every single night, I rub his back. That includes laying beside him afterward and playing with his goatee. I’ve braided (he hates that), I’ve rolled (he hates that too), and I’ve brushed his facial hair (he loves that). Why does he let me do all those things he hates? Because I’m laying beside him in bed, paying attention, stroking his ego, and he’s damn glad he has a woman who admires his junk. Well, you know what I mean.

Let me put it this way. How would you feel if you dyed your hair and got a buzz cut, and your husband came home and said he hated it. He tells you he hates it everyday. How are you feeling about your new look now? Men have feelings. Whether this is a fleeting fancy or the mustache stays, you need to come to terms with facial hair. Would you rather have him sporting a beard, a flavor saver, a foo-man-choo? Tell him. Make it fun and playful. Pay a little attention to the good things about your husbands new look. Does it give him confidence? Make him happy? Doesn’t he deserve to feel good about himself? Take part in the upkeep. If you like it shorter, help shave him. Softer? Take a shower with him and show him how much conditioner does soften the prickles. Comb the hair, give him a facial massage, and then kiss the man. You just might learn to like the texture.

By now, you’re probably wishing I would’ve skipped your email asking for help, or wish you knew about my attraction toward facial hair before you wrote me. I get that. I just want you to think about how you’re reacting and what that’s doing to your husband. Guys have feelings too, under all that facial hair. If it’s impossible for you to get around the stache look, there are ways of telling him WHY you like a smooth upper lip. Tell him why you prefer him to shave, but in a supporting and loving way.

Another thing to keep in mind as you try and change your attitude. November is Movember. Men all across the world are growing a mustache to raise money and awareness to men’s health. Why don’t you take Movember and bring awareness to your husband. Celebrate him being a man, remind him to visit the doctor for a check up, and enjoy the difference a man brings into your life. And remember, a few tugs on the whiskers and you’ll have all his attention.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.


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#24 - November 2, 2012

Dear Deb,

We’ve been married for five years and have a happy marriage. We live in a nice neighborhood, have a two year old little boy, sex is good, and we both have lots of friends. I have nothing to complain about, because we’re both very happy. Yet, I can’t think of one thing I do that’s sexy anymore. When I asked my husband if I do anything sexy, he could only say we have good sex. So, I’m asking you how I’m supposed to be sexy and have my husband take notice outside the bedroom. I want to give him sexy, so he knows I’m doing something for him personally. I have to dress nice for work, so he’s seen me in every kind of dress and shoes imaginable. I often kiss and touch him when we’re together. I don’t know what else I can do that’ll scream sexy to my husband.

Where’s the Sexy?

Dear Where’s the Sexy?

I believe women and men ask themselves this same question not once, but all through their relationship…several times. It’s not so much that there’s a problem, but we personally feel we should be doing more. We hear about divorces, friends having problems, which celebrity is having an affair this week, and it makes us reflect on our own relationship. It’s wonderful! It’s a sign that you have a healthy relationship and are working to keep it strong.

Because I don’t think women are the only ones who randomly think about putting the sexy back into the relationship, let’s help both you and your husband. I’ll break it down as advice for women and again for men.

Women

Ask any man what is sexy about a woman and he’ll look at you as if you’ve been living on another planet. Everything is sexy about you. For a man, the female body, in any shape and size, is like holding a wrapped present and they have no clue what is inside. The answer to what is sexy comes from inside of you. You MUST think you’re sexy to be sexy. The simple act of walking across the living room is sexy. Don’t believe me? Try it. Today while he’s watching the game on television, consciously think to yourself that you are sexy. Now walk. Yep, walk right through his viewing path with your sexy self. Uh huh, you feel it, right? Try it again as you bring him a beer. Lean over, thinking sexy, being aware of how you move, how you touch him, and how you feel is different than moving through the house rushing after a two year old. He’ll notice. Are you having a hard time figuring it out? Do everything the way you normally do and pretend you’re naked and you have a to-die-for-body and your man is looking. Not only is he going to see you move differently, you’re going to love how you feel moving. You can do this while you wash dishes, vacuum, and wash the car.

Men aren’t the only visual creatures. Stop and pay attention to your man. This is something women forget about after living with someone for years. You know him inside and out. Hell, you buy and wash his underwear. But, remember the first few dates when you were scoping him out? You loved how the muscles in his forearms bulged when he shifted into third on the highway. Take time to appreciate the man you’re living with and the differences between you and him. Let him know what you’re checking out and why you like it. Stroke his ego, and he’ll find you sexy.

The biggest thing you can do that screams sexy is to actively pursue intimacy with your man. This is when he stops paying attention to the ball game on the television and takes notice. It’s when you let go of being a mom, an individual, and open yourself up to creating a deeper bond between you and your man.

I’ll leave you with this one thought. If you follow me on Twitter, you’ve heard me mention several times already that I asked my hubs several years ago what qualities in a woman he was looking for when I walked into his life. I wanted to know what made him look at me and think, “Yeah, that’s the girl I want as my woman.” There were three things he claims I had. He wanted someone classy, sexy, and a total bozo. (hence him nicknaming/calling me bozo for over 23 years)

So, as you pretend to walk around naked while fully clothed, thinking you’re a Victoria Secret model wearing bigass wings, and inspecting his forearms as he shifts the Minivan, you’ve pretty much got the bozo part covered. Classy is a given, because you’re his wife and you’re raising his son. Sexy comes naturally, baby. Create those intimate moments, bring him his beer, and plop down on his lap and watch the football game with him. Trust me…he’ll notice the sexy.

Men

It’s simple: Give her attention.

After reading my advice for women, you were probably expecting more detailed instructions on how to bring your sexy out. You think we’re all complicated divas in our pursuit to match our fingernail polish to our heels, but when it comes to what we find sexy in a man, all we want is your undivided attention. We want to feel special. We want to be first in your life. Make us feel safe, cherish us for being a woman, and respect us for all that we do. Yeah, that’s sexy, honey.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#25 - November 9, 2012

Dear Deb,

I’m in a new relationship. We’ve gone out for a month, and things are getting very serious. The more we try to slow down, the deeper our relationship grows. Everything is great, but I have one concern. I work a high profile job where it’s necessary for me to entertain company presidents, dine out in fancy restaurants and sometimes fly to other countries. He works in a saw mill. Even going out to dinner with him is kept to diners or family restaurants, because he doesn’t have the wardrobe to go out to more romantic restaurants. I can’t invite him when significant others are invited, because he doesn’t fit in.

The thing is, I don’t mind. I enjoy spending time with him. He’s a great person who loves deeply, cares about his family, and gives me a lot of attention. But, I’m afraid our differences will pull us apart and I’ll end up getting my heart broken. Is there a way we can make our relationship work, despite our differences?

Wearing Heels

Dear Wearing Heels,

You gave yourself the answer, honey. “You don’t mind.” Clothes are simply, well, clothes. Sure, he gets covered in sawdust, wears steel-toed boots, and drives a pick-up truck—can you tell I live in the Pacific Northwest with saw mills scattered around the hillside? I know these types of men. Good guys. Salt of the earth type. I can understand why you’d enjoy being with him. You’ve pointed out what you like about him. Count yourself lucky. A man who loves deeply, loves his family, and manages to give you his time is a keeper.

Sit down and talk with him. Does he feel like he’s missing out on rubbing elbows with a man in a suit and kissing the cheek of the CEO’s wife? The answer might surprise you. What’s important is that he supports you in your career. Whether that’s going out and having his inseam measured for a pair of slacks so he can join you or listening to you when you arrive home, it really doesn’t matter. You’re happy. He’s happy.

Every relationship is made up of compromises. If your main goals and beliefs are the same, you’re half way there. Someone’s lifestyle and clothing is superficial. He strips down to his boxers, just like the company presidents you dine with.

Keep talking and learning about each other. If I can write about a CEO millionaire falling in love with a biker chick in Biker Babe in Black, you can certainly make the happy with your man. By the way, is there anything sexier than a working man’s hands? Mm mm…hold him tight.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#26 - November 16, 2012


Dear Deb,

It’s official. I’m needy. My husband has been away for five days (he’s scheduled to be away 10) helping his mother move to a retirement home in a different state than we live in. The first couple days he was gone, he didn’t call. Not even at night to say goodnight before he went to bed. When I called him on the third day, he talked for a couple minutes and then his mom wanted to talk to me. I called again on the 4th and 5th night to tell him goodnight and I love him. He really didn’t have anything to talk about, so the conversation was brief and he was tired.

How do I tell him I need to talk with him a couple times a day? Even if it’s a text letting me know he’s busy and he loves me would do. All I do is sit here thinking he’s forgot about me. We’ve been married 5 years. Our relationship is okay. We have ups and downs like everyone else, but we’ve never been apart. This is the first time, and I thought he’d miss me more.

Needy wife

Dear Needy wife,

Who has a right to say whether you are needy or not? If it’s something you desire, it’s never wrong to ask for contact from your husband and he should provide it without question. How do you tell him that you need him to call you? Um, yeah, you say, “Hey, I miss you and I need you to call me more often.” Pretty simple, huh?

I’ll take your word that your relationship is okay. I know if it was my husband…well, he wouldn’t go a few hours without calling, because that’s us. How did we get that way? We’ve been close from day one. He can be madder than hell at me, but he’ll call to see how I am. Same goes for me. I can get sick of picking up his socks and tripping over his boots, but I’d call him only to announce I was giving him the silent treatment. It keeps things interesting! What you’re seeking in your relationship is a closeness that you’re not getting. It shouldn’t be hard to tell him what you’re feeling or that you want him to call. That’s easy to talk about, and the fact that you’re finding it difficult to bring up, makes me a little concern. When that man comes home, it’s time to start talking to each other.

His lack of calls could be as simple as when he’s home with his mom, he’s busy moving her belongings, dealing with the stress, and handling being away from you. Or maybe being with his mom takes an emotional toll on him and he’s trying to work it out in his head how his mom is no longer the supporting mother figure to him, that she’s aged, that soon he might not have his mom in his life. It can’t be an easy time for him, and his quietness might not have anything to do with you personally. Whatever you’re thinking is the reason, don’t assume until you talk to him.

Why not call him up earlier in the day, and have a talk with him? Ask him how he’s doing? See if there is anything you can do at home to help him out while he’s away. Becoming a part of helping him will make you feel better about yourself. Staying busy will keep your mind off the lack of phone calls. You also can use your time apart to plan something special for him when he returns. Take the time to set things right and show him how much you admire his willingness to support his mom when he gets home. A man who supports his momma/family is a REAL MAN. Let him know that you support him and his choices. The next time he has to go away, he’ll know that you miss him and appreciate his effort. He’ll also be more willing to call/text you, because he knows how important it is to you to stay connected.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.


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#27 - November 23, 2012


Dear Deb,

I’ve been married fourteen years, happily. Then out of the blue, my husband tells me he thinks I look frumpy when I’m at home. I’ll admit, I wear baggy old T-shirts and worn out sweatpants (sometimes even his sweatpants), but I dress up for work every single day. On the weekends when we go out together, I dress nice. It’s not like I go to the store wearing my comfy clothes or wear them when he has his man friends around. But, don’t I deserve downtime to just be me?

Insulted Frump

Dear Insulted Frump,

Ohhh, he did not just go there! Frumpy? Seriously?

Men. You really do gotta love them for their rather blunt ways to cut to the chase. Women on the other hand jump to conclusions and think they know what men are really thinking when they say insensitive things. The fact is, you don’t know what he’s thinking. It’s easy for me to see what’s going on, because your man did not say I was a frump…which, yes, I have old baggy shirts and too big sweatpants too, and someone will have to pry them out of my cold, dead hands before I throw them away.

The deal is, your hubs wants to see your body. That’s what he meant by saying you look frumpy. Whether he’s telling you he wants a little more hanky spanky on the weekends, or it’s exactly like he said…he wants to see your body because men like to see their woman’s body, depends on your relationship. The only way you’ll know what is inside his head is if you talk to him. TALK, it really is that simple.

There’s two ways to fix this problem so you’re both happy. Some women wear the frumpy clothes around the house, because they don’t want to ruin their good clothes while they clean, take care of kids, do their crafts, ect. That’s a legitimate excuse. Explain the reasons why you wear the old clothes, and if your husband wants to open up his wallet and see you in something tighter and sexier as you scrub toilets, he can pay for you to go out and buy some yoga pants and tanks (or whatever). He’ll be blessed with seeing your body, and you’ll still be comfortable without feeling the guilt of ruining clothes you have to wear to work. The other way to fix the problem is to treat him like a new boyfriend. Hit on him. Flirt with him. Grab his ass and run away laughing. That’s sexy whether you’re wearing saggy ass sweatpants or not.

But, you can’t do anything until you talk. What happened is, your husband decided to change the rules out of the blue, hoping for a change, but he forgot to tell you the reason why. You got mad because you were trying to get inside his head, and we all know it’s impossible for a woman to know what the dude is thinking. You both need to back the truck up and start over. The only way you can do that is to have the talk about what he’s looking for on the weekends in the marriage. You also get time to discuss what you want for the weekends in the marriage. Marriage is a contract, but thank GAWD, it’s negotiable…and sweets, you need to negotiate often to keep your marriage spicy.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#28 - November 30, 2012

Dear Deb,

Help! I live in a three generational house. My husband’s parents, us, and our grown single daughter live together. In our culture, it’s normal to support elderly parents and daughters do no move out until they get married. I love having everyone I love around me, but it’s hurting my husband and my sex life lately. It started a year ago when we had to move from our bedroom to the spare bedroom, so his parents could have the bigger bedroom for my father in law’s wheelchair. Now we’re stuck sleeping in the middle of the house where everyone can hear us, and my husband complains that I’m too loud when we have sex. I’m paranoid that everyone can hear me, so our sex life has become a chore. I don’t know what to do. There’s no opportunity to have the house to ourselves, and we have no extra bedroom or room in the house to go to for privacy. How can I make our sex life spicy again?

Screamer

Dear Screamer,

Honey, guess what? Your in-laws have had SEX before…lots of times. They created that hunk of man who makes you scream during sex. It might be embarrassing to have them hear you, but you’re not going to die. You’re doing something ALL married couples do. Now, stifling your sex life or suffocating yourself by shoving your face in the pillow to keep the noise down could kill you. Don’t do that.

Instead of sneaking around or being quiet, why not enjoy the prelude to the big bang. Let your in-laws and grown daughter know you’re making a special dinner for just you and your husband. Build it up big, and tell them you want to pamper him and have a romantic time together. Everyone in your house will understand what you need without having to come out and say, “Excuse me while I go grab the bedpost and let my husband make me scream.” Get creative! Turn a movie on in the living room for the in-laws, ask your daughter to go out with her friends, or tell everyone to sit out on the porch so you and your husband have an hour inside the house…alone. Then you can enjoy your husband (and enjoy yourself) without fear of someone overhearing you.

There should be boundaries set up in households where there are more than one couple living. Even if you pick one day a week and let everyone know that’s your time, you deserve a break. You deserve to scream. You deserve not to be disturbed. Showing your family how much you love your husband is a good thing.

Trust me, babe. That’s the only way you’ll be able to spice up your relationship.

And, because I have four kids who are 22, 19, 16, 16 years old, I know about boundaries.

- If mom and dad go into the bathroom together. Do not open the door, we do not want to be disturbed.

- If our bedroom door is shut, you only knock in the case of an emergency…and someone better be bleeding.

- Got a private backyard? Use it!

- Go away together. It could be for 1 hour. Have your grown daughter watch the ‘rents if they need help, and find somewhere private to scream, I mean have sex. Got a canyon near you? You’d make a hell of an echo. You could start having a competition to see who can scream the loudest and receive the biggest echo back. Now, I’m sure that’s a challenge your husband would love. Just make sure there are no park rangers near by.

The main thing I’m telling you is, there is no reason to stifle your sex life. Let your parents and daughter know that romance is alive and well between you and your husband. Parents find it reassuring when they know their kids are happy. Your daughter will feel secure knowing her parents still love each other. You’re setting a great example by sharing your love for all to see. No, I’m not talking about sharing your screams, you can keep those private. Now, go tell your hubs your new plan. Make him happy.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#29 - December 7, 2012


Dear Deb,
We’ve hit a dull spot in our marriage. There are nights we rarely talk, because the television is going or we’re both on the computer. It seems like we know everything there is about each other, and we’re just watching our life go by. It’s the same thing every day. How can we spice up our relationship?

Yawning

Dear Yawning,

What? Are you joshing me? You know everything there is about each other? I could live with my husband for a lifetime, and I can guarantee he won’t know everything about me. Let me say that in a different way for you to understand…I won’t allow him to know everything there is about me. I will strive to create new things about MYSELF, and be excited to share these new things with him.

Turn off the boob tube, shut down the computers, and do something new. Whether that’s discovering a new hobby or interest or trying out a new fad, you must enrich your life. Boring people lead boring lives. You’ve got yourself stuck in a rut with no four wheel drive. You need to hook up the winch and pull yourself off the couch.

Before you can work at helping your husband (I’m going to assume this is the wife writing to me), you start with yourself. Don’t worry if he’s watching tv or playing on the computer, get out and take a walk. Go visit one of the new stores in town. Take up sewing, cooking, painting, ceramics. Try something you’ve always wanted to do and didn’t have the time. Take the time! You might even try something you’ve never even dreamed about. Join a cycling group, take pole dancing lessons, play bingo. What you need to do is find something you’re excited about. Once you have that, you’ll find a lot of new things to talk about with your spouse.

Once your husband sees the new light burning inside of you, you’ll get his attention. Don’t worry if he’s jealous of the new happiness within you or the time you’re spending out of the family room. His time will come. Invite him with you or pick an activity that he can join you in.

Now if you really want to kick up the spice and get your marriage sparkling, put some thought into the new things you want to try. As examples, I’ll list some things I’ve done in the past that’s got my hubs attention.

~ Aprons – Yes, I developed a love for all things apron. Now, my talent does not lie in using a sewing machine. I struggled, I cussed, I ripped more material than I used. Why? Because I noticed how hubs hung around me when I wore an apron in the kitchen. Did you know there are some really sexy patterns for aprons?

- Weird massages – I give my hubs a back rub every single night. Seriously. He’s spoiled. I also grow bored sitting on his butt, doing the typical massage. So, I’ve studied, researched, and came up with different ways to give him a massage. Don’t ask him about the time I convinced him to let me whip him with Nettles for achy joints. The experience was not a fun one for him but seven years later, we still talk and laugh about the night he developed burning hives over every inch of his body. I’ve walked on his back. I’ve used the potato masher on his stomach to cure kidney stones (don’t ask), and I’ve bought every smelly, warm, tingling lotion on the market. Most of all, we laughed, we experimented, and we had a hell of a lot to talk about…for years.

- I bought a karaoke machine. I can’t sing. I thought I sounded great. He laughed his ass off.

- Hit the DIY sites or Pinterest on the web for inspiration. Try out a new dessert or create a masterpiece with old picture frames and wild flowers. Make it a group project and enlist your husbands help. Redecorate the bedroom, paint the bathroom, or landscape the backyard.

What you want to do is break up the dull routine you’ve fallen into. Life wasn’t always boring for you. Recreate the excitement you used to feel. Whatever you do, make it your personal goal to bring new ideas into your marriage. Nobody said marriage wasn’t work. It’s the hardest job you’ll ever have. But the work is totally worth it!

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#30 - December 14, 2012


Dear Deb,

I’m in a new 2nd marriage with a blended family. We each have two children, and my kids are the exact same age as his kids. It’s been six months since we got married and moved the kids in together. Right now, they’re instant best friends. They’re at the age where they act like they’re having a sleepover all the time. The problem comes in with my husband. He runs a strict household (former military). His kids are fine with clean rooms, not talking and interrupting adults, and when he says no, he means no. My kids have never lived that way. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m laidback. I don’t mind my husband running the house this way, because I do see how well behaved his kids are and my kids could use the security of rules. But sometimes, it’s nice not to worry about rules inside the house all the time.

I’ve tried talking to my husband, and he believes my worries are all in my head. He thinks the kids are happy and I baby them. Maybe I do. I just want my kids to love him the way I do, and for my husband to join in the fun of having a family. Right now, my kids seem to stay away from my husband because they don’t want him to reprimand them. This is affecting our marriage, because I find myself catering to the kids when he’s home and I end up ignoring my new husband. How can I spice up our relationship, and find a middle ground with the kids?

PS…And, maybe discover a way to make my husband find his inner child and for him to play with the kids.

Softy

Dear Softy,

Welcome to the world of doubles! As a parent of 4 kids, 2 of them twins, you have a houseful of love. I can understand why you’d want everyone happy and getting along. As a mom we do worry about everyone’s feelings. We make sure everyone feels loved and no one goes to bed with any worries. It’s a big job, and it sounds like you’re doing your best.

Six months is such a short time to work out the kinks in a new marriage. Add in the kids and step parent roles, and it’s going to take awhile until you all find your place in the house and each other’s lives.

You mentioned that you respect your husbands rules. That’s great! That’s one of the hardest things to do as an adult is to step back and improve your own parenting skills.

This is a great time to talk with your husband and learn each other’s boundaries. Who disciplines the kids? Do you handle your kids only or his kids too? Is he allowed to play with your kids? Make a list of rules that everyone is happy with. Also, speak up about your needs. It’s much easier to attack the new marriage as a team, even though you’re blending families. Having your husbands support will keep you strong, and giving your support back to him will gain you respect.

While you’re finding time to get to know his children, don’t forget that you need to take time to know your husband. Learn and respect your husband in his role of fatherhood. Children will see when you love someone, and that gives them a happy, secure home to live in.

Whatever you do, don’t ignore your husband for the kids. Kids can sense the great divide better than a hound dog in a rabbit field. Remember, you’re a team. Want to prove it to the kids? Have a family game night. The adults versus the kids. Start out small. Play keep away in the yard. Play horse at the garage hoop. Hide and go seek gives you lots of time to cuddle and smooch with your man while the kids try to find you both. As you all get comfortable with each other, you can bring the games inside into your husbands territory. I bet in no time, your husband will see how much fun it is to gang up with you against the kids. You’re also showing your kids that it’s okay to relax around the new step parent. Just keep those lines of communication open, and pat yourself on the back for working hard for your family.

By the way, if your husband doesn't want to join you in the fun right off the bat, keep trying. It could be that no one taught him how to act like a kid. Or, maybe he’s forgotten and needs reminded. Women have magical powers…themselves. Show your husband the rewards of laughing, playing, and easing up. Show him how rules are meant to be broken, and good things can happen when he can allow himself to be silly. For men, giving up their control is allowing someone to see their vulnerable side…which they hate. But, it’s necessary for them to also have a safe and happy place to let loose. Nurture him, love him, and soon he’ll realize that the home you created is his safe spot.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#31 - December 21, 2012


Dear Deb,
Here’s the problem. I only get to see my boyfriend on special occasions, because I go to college in another state. I’m also a thirty eight year old woman with one child, and until I graduate and can move closer, these occasions are the only time I get alone time with the man I love. I get three days over Christmas with him, and between going to his company party, his family party, and a friend’s party, we’ll hardly be alone. How can I spice up our time together when we’re surrounded by other people?
Party Girl

Dear Party Girl,
I can see what you’re getting for Christmas! How fun! I can understand why you’d want to reconnect with your boyfriend, and it’s a bummer that you don’t have the days to have him to yourself. Never fear! I’m here to help you.
- Slip him little pieces of paper with messages on them while you’re attending the parties. Examples:
  1. Do you know what we could be doing right now if we were alone?
  2. Me. You. Your tie. Maybe?
  3. 5 minutes. Meet me outside.
- Public displays of affection. Keep it classy. Keep it intimate. He’ll call it an early night.
- Snatch little moments when you’re alone or no one is paying attention. Make every minute count.
- No one is going to blame you for making excuses to find time to be together. They understand that you’ve been apart. Take a break, even if that’s walking around the block at his parent’s house for 15 minutes. If you want to dive in the car to get your HO, HO, HO on, go for it. Then come back in and play pinnacle with Aunt Sally and his mom.
- The company party? This is your time to step up your game. It’s his night to shine. Make him proud to have you beside him. Show him how proud you are of him. Stroke his ego. That’s foreplay to a man, and then have him show you his office/department/the patio at the restaurant and show him how much you respect him for the job he does. His boss isn’t the only one who gives out bonuses…uh huh.
- Last one, but the most important. You’ve got 3 days with your man. Everyone has time to sleep. YOU DO NOT NEED TO SLEEP. Use those 8 hours of darkness to have your alone time. Unwrap yourself, show him your stocking, and put the Merry in his Christmas. It’s the time to be jolly and to stuff yourself, um, partake in the goodies. That’s 24 hours of putting the tinsel on the tree.
From me to you, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas.
Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.
Deb
** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#32 - December 28, 2012

Dear Deb,
Who should say I love you first? I’m in a 9 month relationship, and I’m falling in love. She’s told me she’s falling in love too, but neither of us have said, “I love you.” To me, there’s a big difference between saying I’m in love to claiming I love one person. It’s deeper and more important, and I feel like it should be monumental. Almost as important as saying “Will you marry me?”
I do love her.
The Man

Dear The Man,
Ah, it’s good to see there are good guys left in the world. Men, who don’t brandish the I love you’s like they’re candy and easily given away are a class act. I think it’s sexy and honorable that you haven’t said I love you to the woman you’re seeing, because it’s important to you. I also don’t believe you need my help, because your email solved your problem. It is a monumental moment, and you should make the opportunity to leave you both breathless. Give her the gift of a memory, of always remembering when you confessed your deepest feelings by creating a moment that you’ll talk about for years.
In other words, SHOW her how much telling her I love you means to you…then TELL her why you’re making the moment special.
Whether you take her out to a romantic dinner and whisper the words over candlelight or you carry her out in the yard and point up to the moon to tell her she’s your everything, make the moment stand out. As you’re spilling your heart out to her, let her experience everything you’re feeling. Love is contagious!
Now, your question to me was who should say I love you first. While there is no rule, and it’s perfectly acceptable for women to whisper I love you first, I’ll tell you my personal opinion. You should be the first one who speaks the words I love you. Women are funny creatures. We can give you twenty definitions for the word “fine”. If we speak from our heart first, we’ll later wonder if the man was parroting us if he repeats the same or if he wanted sex. I know, I know, your relationship is solid, but like you said, I love you’s are important. Take care of your woman by stepping up and taking the responsibility from her. It’s the most beautiful gift to have someone’s love, and I can promise you, if you’re on the same page and you’ve skirted around the issue before, she’ll be honest back. You’ve taken away the scary part for her and created a secure environment where she’ll feel safe to tell you what is in her heart. You are her knight in shining armor.
Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.
Deb
** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#33 - January 4, 2013

Dear Deb,
My husband and I moved to a new city because of a job transfer. We’ve been here six months, and I’m about to go crazy! He works long hours and I’m working part time. I’m finding it difficult to make friends and find a social outlet to get out of the house. Because we don’t have friends, on the weekends we stay inside. We watch movies, but even when we’re together we’re bored. All the spice and spontaneity has gone out of our marriage, and I want it back. How do I get us excited about our new home and community, so my husband and I can be happy with each other?
Bored Stiff

Dear Bored Stiff,
It’s tough being the new kids on the block. As adults we enjoy the comfort of being at ease in our surroundings and with our friends. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy in a new place…you just need to put out the energy to discover yourself again. You and your husband haven’t changed. Sure, you’re boring yourselves to death and going a little crazy, but that’s easily solved. Making new friends and finding new hangouts won’t happen if you can’t even stand to be by yourself at home.
Make plans! Play the tourist and discover the hidden spots within your town together. Ask questions, talk to people, join others for coffee at the local coffee shop. Get to know where others go on a Friday night and where their favorite band plays. Then when you see those people again, talk to them. Common interests is what draws people together and unless you’re looking for friends who are also boring, you’ll need to step up your game.
Until you gain new friends and a new routine, why not take advantage of all the newness? Just because it’s the two of you against the world right now, doesn’t mean it can’t be fun.
  • Arrange a date. Agree to meet each other for dinner and pretend it’s your first time meeting. Discover those butterflies that flutter around in your stomach again, and give your husband the satisfaction that he can still turn you on. Close the lounge down by being the last couple to leave the dance floor. Then whisper in his ear and ask him if he wants to come back to your place for a night of kinky sex.

  • Take a horse drawn carriage through town or a guided tour through the underground city. Visit the museum, the art gallery, and take part in the summer concerts at the park.

  • Invite one of his co-workers to dinner. Like card games? Plan a poker night for your hubby and his male coworkers and tell them to bring their girlfriend/wife and have a girls themed party in the living room.

  • Start a  book club at your local library or volunteer at the animal shelter. Whatever your interest is, seek out like-minded people and soon you’ll have friends that will gravitate into your life.
Most of all, get off the pity mobile and remember you married your husband because he brought excitement into your life. Show him how fun you are, and create an atmosphere at home that doesn’t allow you to be bored. Cook while naked. Dance in the living room. Crank the boombox (you have one, don’t you?) and listen to those songs that you loved in high school. Fingerpaint his body in the shower. Have him construct a pole in the bedroom and laugh while you show him your stripper skills. Give him a massage on the dining room table. The ideas are endless!
Huge life changes take time to feel natural. Fall back on each other while your life is in upheaval, because wherever he is…you’re home.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.
Deb
** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#34 - January 11, 2013

Dear Deb,

Because of our weird work schedules, my boyfriend and I don’t have the typical dating routine. We don’t live together yet, and since it is so hard to find time together we’ve started the habit of getting together at his house three times a week to have dinner together. I love to cook, so I make the meal, we eat, we talk, and then we have an hour together before he has to go to work. This is the only time we have together, because even our days off don’t match. How can I spice up the little time we have together?

Flyby Woman

Dear Flyby Woman,

Kudos on making time in your busy lives for each other. Two things I love…food and love! Although most people look at cooking as a chore, the kitchen is the best room to heat up your love life. You’re also setting a habit of connecting with each other and sharing your day…that bodes well for feeding the future together.

Since you have little time and are serving two purposes, growing closer while sharing a meal, we definitely need to spice things up! A lot of what I’ll mention is trial and error. You’ll discover what makes your boyfriend boil by experimenting. Remember, there is no such thing as failure. Major spills in the kitchen is an opportunity to laugh and create memories together.
  • Cook while in highheels and a skimpy dress. At the very least, wear an eye-catching apron. Men aren’t picky. Even wearing a cute apron over a pair of short and going barefoot gets their primal thoughts moving.

  • Be aware of how you move in the kitchen. This is your domain, whether it’s his house or not. There’s plenty of time to bend over to check the oven, hitch a hip while peeling carrots, and a lot of wiggle room while mashing potatoes. Give your man a show. Don’t forget eye contact and engaging conversation while you work.

  • Finger foods. Quite simply, feed each other. Lick those fingers, and play with your food. A woman’s hands are feminine and smooth. The fingers, wrists, hands fascinate men just the way their rough, big, clumsy hands please women. Feel free to decorate with bracelets, rings, and pretty nail polish. Anything that will announce, “Hey baby, you are about to learn what I can do for you…”

  • Men are visual creatures: He won’t miss the way you lick the ice cream cone, or suck the last drop of water out of your glass with a straw. Enjoy wine? The best part of drinking is playing with the liquid in the glass. Roll it, smell it, taste it.

  • Don’t only visually please your man, but tease all his senses. The aroma of pumpkin pie is said to be an aphrodisiac. Cinnamon makes a man horny. Vanilla brings out thoughts of comfort, home, love. Don’t forget to dab a spot of vanilla at the base of your neck. Women aren’t the only ones who melt over chocolate…give him something manly, like a German chocolate cake. Even better, get him involved with the cooking. Let him nibble off your fingers to taste the first bite. Hold the spoon to his mouth and feed him while looking in his eyes. Men are just grown up kids with hormones. Bring over a small bowl of cookie dough next time you get together, along with already baked cookies. He’ll feel special because you remembered him and gave him a treat.

  • Set the mood. Do you have candles burning? Music playing? Kitchen tools at the ready? Come on, girlfriend…pre-planning is key!
Remember, not everyone can pull off everything I mentioned. You might feel uncomfortable, unsure, and even a little reluctant because this is coming out of the blue for you. That’s okay. You can also tell him that you’re trying to spice up your relationship. He might surprise you and find his own ways to scorch your panties. Most of all…laugh. Life is an adventure and grab every moment. That strip tease on the kitchen chair is a good idea. Koolwhip isn’t always for topping pies, um, desserts. Eat blindfolded. Make rules. Break rules. For goodness sakes, serve his dinner on your stomach.

And, the most important piece a’la creme of advice I can give you is *drumroll please* make sure there’s a fire extinguisher in the kitchen, because you’re going to set him on fire!

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#35 - January 18, 2013


Dear Deb,
There is no spice in our relationship, because of my mother in law. Although she doesn’t live with us, she might as well move in, because she’s here all the time and it’s driving me crazy.
We recently had another baby, and my mother in law thinks this gives her permission to come over and “help” me. I don’t need her help, and she’s ruining our happy home. She cooks for me, makes my husband’s lunch for work, gives our other kids baths and cleans the house, and in the evenings she stays until we’re all in bed and then leaves for her own home. Needless to say, the relationship with my husband has turned into a roommate situation. Have I mentioned that our baby is now six months old? This has been going on for six months, and all I want is my family back to myself.
I’ve tried to talk with her, but my mother in law is very pushy and doesn’t listen to me. When I demand that she goes home, she calls my husband up at work and complains to him. I don’t know what to do. How do I convince my mother in law to leave us alone, so I can have my family back?
Tied to Mother in law

Dear Tied to Mother in law,
Six months? Oh, hon…I award you with the halo of sainthood. It’s all good and wonderful to have a little help after the birth of a baby, but by six months you’re way past wanting to get your giggles back. Way past!
I spout all the time about how women control the happiness of their marriage, because men are simple to please. But, this is one instance where a man has to nipple up and be the man. It’s his mother and it’s his job to deal with her. She’s not going to take you seriously as long as her son refuses to back your decisions. You need to sit down and talk to your man. Let him know how you’re feeling, and although you love your mother in law, you want your family back…and that means you want him back in the bedroom doing his husbandly duty.
Set up rules, because you don’t want to push his mom away for good. You want to set up times and days she can come and visit. You also want to stress that you want to be a good wife to your husband and show him how much you love him by taking care of his babies and cleaning your own house.
Until your husband grows up and puts his family first, you’re setting yourself up to lose the battle and alienate your husband. You don’t want that to happen. An easy way to set boundaries and guidelines is for you to deal with your side of the family and your husband to deal with his side of the family. Then back each other. You’ve created a sweet family and that takes time and nurturing. Once you get back to putting your husband first and he makes sure his wife is happy, then you need to show him how much you appreciate what he does for the family. Trust me, the benefits are huge here.
You’ll have the giggles going in no time once you reconstruct the foundation on your marriage.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.
Deb
** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#36 - January 25, 2013

Dear Deb,
Can two people who are total opposites love each other forever or will their differences drive them apart? I’m a cat person, he’s a dog person. I love the city, he loves living in a rural area. I have a business degree, and he’s a salesman. I come from a low income family, and his family lives comfortably. Some days the differences seem to weigh heavy on our relationship, but other days I love how he brings new things into my life. Will we have a love that will see us through the differences and last forever?
Meow’s Momma

Dear Meow’s Momma,
Relationships go through growth spurts. Sometimes they come every few years, and others it seems like a daily challenge. An amazing thing happens when two people love each other…their lives mesh. You might not grow to love dogs or see the stars when you walk the beaten path in the country, but you’ll find things that both of you love. Similarities will pop up, and you’ll latch onto them. And, your opinion changes over time. The fast life is often pushed to the side if you have children later. When you buy a house, you’ll love the fact that your man is a salesman. Our likes don’t define us, but living life shapes us. When you’re living life with someone else, a someone else that you love, you shape the perfect world for both of you together. Even cats learn to get along with dogs.
The most important part of nurturing a relationship is making sure you don’t lose yourself in the rush of finding out the chemistry between you guys is hot. No joke. Don’t compromise your own beliefs and interests to make another person happy. It’s give and take, or a major game of tug a war. Together, you set boundaries, goals, and bargains. Be open to sharing your life with another person. Pretty soon you won’t think in the terms of you versus him, but “us against them”. That’s when the fun starts, because you’ll realize he’s the only one in the world who understands you and has your back. Having that intimate relationship and security is a beautiful thing.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.
Deb
** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#37 - February 1, 2013


Dear Deb,
We’re going through a difficult time. I lost my job, my husband’s hours at his job were cut in half, and we recently had to move in with my parents. I know others have problems too, but I’m worried about our relationship. Instead of pulling together it seems like my husband pulls away from me. He doesn’t want to talk about the mess we’re in, and trying to talk about how we’ll get back on our feet soon makes him think I’m delusional. I want him to realize that we’re still married, we still have dreams, and just because things are tough now, they won’t always be hard. He only sees the right now, and gets frustrated when I talk about the future. It’s getting harder to stay quiet over my worries about “us” and I feel like he’s pushing me away. How do I make him glad that we do have each other to lean on?
Road bump

Dear Road bump,
Money strains and the loss of security that comes from losing a job puts a lot of stress on a marriage. In my opinion, your husband isn’t pushing you away because he’s being mean. He’s carrying a big load, and it sounds like he’s the type of man who decided to pack all the worries on his shoulders, instead of sharing the load with you. I’ll even go out on a limb and say, he needs to do that to feel good about himself. He takes his responsibilities seriously and wants to take care of you. There’s no denying that money problems and living with your parents is going to put a crimp in your relationship. But, there are ways to make it a little easier while you get back on your feet.
First, don’t talk about the hardships all the time. It’s better to say nothing than complain.
Show him how being together is better than anything, including the bad luck you’re going through now. Leave him a note in his car, on the mirror, or in his lunchbox, and tell him something positive. It can be as simple as “I love you”. Use lipstick and kiss his napkin that goes in his lunchbox. Get out of bed, and see him off in the morning when he goes to work. Be happy when he comes home. Be a little goofy around him, and let him know you’re staying strong.
You’re living with your parents. You might enjoy being back with your family and although your husband probably loves his in-laws, the situation is harder on him. Find time to get him away from everything, where it’s just the two of you. Whether that’s sitting out on the porch, going for a walk, or acting goofy at 2am in the morning as you sneak into the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. Make your own fun!
I say this all the time, but backrubs for your man go a long way. It’s not only a way of de-stressing the body, it’s a way to touch each other. The physical connection you two have has to be nurtured. There are no words that need to be said while doing it. It is what it is…comfort and bonding. A sign that someone gives a damn about you.
I’m sure a lot of women at the start of a marriage told their husband that they’d live anywhere he goes…including being poor and living in a tent. I said it, and it still holds true. You nurture your marriage, and become a team. You and him against the world. That’s what marriage is all about. It’s hard work, and often times you don’t feel like you’ll survive, but you do if you put your heart into making sure you stay close.
Most of all, hold him tight. Everyone has to sleep, and it’s a perfect time just to hold each other. It’s not a time to complain about the lack of privacy in the house, or how you’re worried about making the car payment this month. For right now, this very minute, you both have each other and that’s all that matters.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.
Deb
** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#38 - March 1, 2013


Dear Deb,

I’m not in a relationship, but I hope you can help me anyway. I need spicing up! It doesn’t matter where I go to find a man, I never come away with a boyfriend. I have fun whether I’m dancing, drinking, going to a concert, but it never turns into someone asking me out on a date. If I’m with friends, they always seem to keep a man interested for longer than a night. How do I get a man to remember me or ask for my phone number?

Third Wheel

Dear Third Wheel,

You've probably already heard from your friends and family to stop trying so hard, right? There’s a fine line between wanting something so bad, you appear desperate…and no woman should ever be desperate, honey. If you ask anyone older who has married and been down the same road, most of them will tell you they met their husband when they weren't looking. There’s truth in that for one reason. When you’re not trying, that’s when you’re real. That realness is like a radar for men. You fascinate them, because you’re showing them different sides of yourself.

Don’t go out on a Saturday night with the goal of hooking up with someone. You go out to have fun. If someone crosses your path, pay them a little attention. Don’t give them everything all at once. Men get overwhelmed easily. Leave a little mystery. Make him work for all the information he’s looking for. This is when you truly shine. You want to accent your personality. If you’re a funny girl, show him a little humor. If you’re quiet, give him a few looks or touches. You don’t need words, but you do need to open yourself to furthering the relationship. If you’re nervous, dig deep and admit it right away. There’s nothing wrong with a “You make me unable to think” as long as you smile or take a big breath and forge ahead. It might sound funny to you, but you’re giving him something to work with and he’ll stick around to make you feel comfortable. Men fix things, that’s what they do.

A fake good-time girl isn’t going to get him to take a second look, unless you’re wearing 4 1/2 inch heels and a helluva short skirt. There are dozens of good time girls everywhere men go. They all start looking the same, and men are looking for the special girls. The girls who have something exceptional to offer them. Three dimensional women.

You need to spice up the real you. It’s there. Everyone has one and they keep it hidden. Women show other women parts of that personality all the time, but it takes a man to see that sacred piece of us that we don’t even show our girlfriends. The vulnerable side that shows there’s a heart involved. It’s a nice mixture between confident, fun loving, and vulnerability. You can’t have one without the others or you tip off balance. When you’re standing on those killer heels, you want to stay real — stay balanced. And, you might just find yourself not going home alone.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#39 - March 8, 2013

Dear Deb,
I’ve been committed to my boyfriend for 4 years, and we’ve been living together for the last six months. How do I spice up our sex life now that we live together. We’ve lost the excitement of trying to find time to spend time together, and taking advantage of every minute. Now we’re living together, and it feels different. We need spice!

Thinking Positive

Dear Thinking Positive,

You mean you haven’t met him at the door naked with a ribbon around your hips or coated yourself in baby oil and dared him to catch you? Okay. Okay. I’ll start out slower, and then you can work up to the ‘Catch me and keep me’ game.

It’s easy to have the attitude to keep things hot when you’re living apart. You’re wanting to create a relationship where you’ll satisfy him, so he’ll keep you (and vice versa). Then when you live with someone, you relax. You’ve shown the world that you’re serious in your relationship, but this is the time to work harder. Just because you see him kicking his dirty socks under the bed, and he kisses you when you have morning breath doesn’t mean you can slack off on giving each other attention.

Attention and spicy go together when you’re an adult. The funniest things can turn a moment into an Oh! moment, if you know what I mean. What you need to do is look for those times when you can pay attention to each other. Those moments are everywhere now that you’re living together. Are you washing the car together? Going grocery shopping together? How about joining him on the golf course or asking him to play tennis with you?
Now step up those activities to spicy levels. Wear something skimpy while soaping up the truck. Get in a little hose play. Flirt. Laugh. When you’re at the grocery store, pick up that can of whip cream and give it a second look. Whisper in his ear, and ask him if he likes whip cream? He won’t say no. Or, better yet, try to sneak it in the cart and act innocent. You’ll have him wondering all through the store what you have planned and honey, he’s not thinking about pumpkin pie. Let him help you with your golf stroke. Take a detour on the cart behind the bushes. Put an extra bounce in your step as you retrieve that tennis ball.

Even activities around the house are perfect setups for adding the sizzle. Next time you’re doing laundry and he walks by, strip down in front of the washer machine. Trust me, your clothes are dirty. They need washed, right now. This minute. Hurry, before he walks out to the garage. Any kind of cooking is foreplay. You’re not only tickling his senses, give him a show to watch while he keeps you company. Bend over and check the buns in the oven. Wipe the flour off your hands on the back of your jeans. Better yet, smack his ass with your hand, and brand him.

Pretty soon normal activities start to feel like intimate times for the two of you. If you’re thinking about the spice, it’s always on your mind. And, when your focus in on spicing things up for your man, he’ll know it…and he’ll love it. You will too.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.

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#40 - March 15, 2013


Dear Deb,
I’m in a new relationship, and we’ve recently made the decision to only see each other. We’re having a problem on whether we should disclose our past to each other. I want to know his experience with other women, how long and how far he’s taken his previous relationships. I think it’s important to know everything there is about another person when you’re falling in love. That’s the only way I’ll be able to trust him. He doesn’t think our pasts are important. He doesn’t want to hear about my old boyfriends or who I’ve slept with.
He’s not budging, and says bringing up the past adds baggage we don’t need to our relationship. I really need to know. I’m afraid that emotionally, the lack of sharing is stalling our relationship. Help!
Nosey Noodle

Dear Nosey Noodle,
I picked out your letter because for the first time, I’m walking the fence line on how to answer you. I love a challenge!
I get how you’re curious. Once you latch on to the idea that he’s holding back from you, it’ll drive you nuts. You’ll start obsessing about the reasons he wants to keep the past hidden, and pretty soon you’ll be making up stories in your head of possible reasons. You’ll freak-the-way-out. Before you do that, stop and think. Does it matter how many women he slept with? Does it matter how long those FAILED relationships lasted? No.
What is important is that you remain safe. Condoms, my girl. Also, if you’re advancing your relationship --and he doesn’t want to spill his life prior to you-- a clean bill of sexual health would not be remiss. It’s a must! You’re building a long-term relationship, and setting a decent foundation will stabilize the future. That should be your only concern at this point, and if your man isn’t agreeable, then you have a problem.
Okay, now that you’re safe, you can concentrate on the here and now. Your boyfriend is also right. The past is baggage. It’s a loaded suitcase that is ripe with smelly clothes. Throw it out! What you have together is the only thing that matters.
He doesn’t want to hear about your old boyfriend or how you had sex at the lake under the moon. No man wants to hear that about the woman he’s falling in love with. He’s possessive at this stage. Give him the peace of mind that he’s the only one in your life at this moment. Do you want to tell him how Stan-the-stud broke your heart or you had a one night stand back in college? Why? What are you going to gain, except putting “baggage” in his head that he has to work around and will cloud his version of you.
People change all the time. There’s a lot to be said with starting new. He’s not the same person he was with the other girls. You’re not the same girl you were with the other guys. Instead of being scared, take this time to learn about yourself, trust in your man and communicate. You can’t love someone if you don’t let the other person take care of every aspect of your life that makes you vulnerable. That goes for both of you. Just give it a go…be safe, be smart, be happy with what you have with your man.
Now this is experience talking, but if you’re in a relationship that lasts, you’ll learn about your man’s past in little, manageable bits in the future. Once you have the security of knowing you are truly loved and cherished, you can accept anything he tells you without getting freaked. Some day, you’ll hear about that night when he was drunk with Betty and Bop, and the cops found them in the car at the park. You’ll laugh at his stupidity, and he’ll grin at how he can’t even remember what they looked liked. He’ll thank his lucky cajones that you were the woman who captured his heart. Five years, ten years, you’ll finally be able to tell your own stories about that guy named…oh, what was his name? The one who broke your heart? That’s right! You won’t even remember his name, because the love of your life is sitting beside you, holding your whole, healthy, beating heart in his hand. Nothing else matters, babe. Look toward the future.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.
Deb
** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.
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#41 March 22, 2013
Dear Deb,
Besides fabulous sex, love, and friendship, my husband and I have no interest in common. I like to read, speed walk, window shop on the weekends and visit antique/thrift stores. My boyfriend hasn’t read a book since he graduated high school (he’s 42!), enjoys playing golf, puttering around in the garage building computers, and making sure there’s not a weed in the yard, a flower petal on the ground, and a mole hill growing around the house to embarrass us in front of the neighbors. How do we find similar interest and spend more time sharing our love over something we both enjoy doing?
Walking the beaten path

Dear Walking the beaten path,
I love questions about how to find common activities. To me, it’s so perfectly clear what you can do, but I do get how it’s hard for the people involved to see past their habits. And, that’s the problem here. You’ve both developed a habit, a routine, a set course in your life. Boring!
First you have to ask why you don’t enjoy doing yard work with him, or hanging out in the garage handing him tools…or learning to build yourself a crazy fast computer? Don’t tell me you have no interest in that stuff, because you should. Your man is out there doing what he loves. IF you truly want to spend more time with him, join him. There is nothing more cool than seeing a man in his zone, getting off on tinkering, or celebrating his success over conquering whatever he set out to do. The biggest sign of support you can give your man is to join him in his celebrations and witness his awesomeness. Now, are you going to love working on computers? Probably not, but you will love to see him working on computers when you realize you’re giving him a gift. You make him happy. He makes you happy. Got it?
I’ll admit, it is always harder to encourage a man to join his wife in activities. It’s the whole he-man, macho thing. He views your interests as girly. You have to show him how wrong he is. Encourage him to help you haul something home from the antique store…maybe an organizer for the garage where he can put all his computer parts. Be on the lookout for things he would want at the thrift store, then ask him to come take a look. Promise him a game of golf afterward if you want. Now, speed walking might not be his thing, but how about asking him out for a drink afterward or meeting him at the end of your walk to drive you home…stop by the lake, or an outdoor concert? We girls know our engines are charged after physically exerting ourselves. Isn’t it about time your man finds out?
Do I need to remind you that men can learn from reading? Pick up a romance book, read him the juicy parts and tell him why you like it. Change your voice as you read a sex scene. Get silly. He’s going to want to know why you’re hooked on reading books. Show him! Make him step up his game. Give him some new ideas to try in the bedroom.
Not all things have to be done together though. We all enjoy our alone time, but asking someone to be more a part of our life is a wonderful experience. Just like when you were newly dating. Wouldn’t you do anything just to spend more time with him? Break the habits. Walk at a different time. Spend time on his day off with him. Set up a date to try something new to both of you. You have a lifetime together, start exploring.
Go through my past letters to Dear Deb. Find ways to spice up your marriage. Sex is a tool, a bargaining chip, a reward. Learn to use it, and use it well. Every thing you two do together should create a spark of sexual tension. Whether it’s hanging out in the garage or strolling the sidewalks downtown. Flirt, play, and romance each other. You’ll find that you enjoy doing new things and discovering more about your man.
Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.
Deb
** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.
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#42 -  April 5, 2013
Dear Deb,
I think my husband of 19 years is going through a midlife crisis. We have a good marriage, but all of a sudden he’s more loving, more attentive, and wants to spend all his time with me. When I ask him why, he tells me the kids are grown up and it’s “our” time to do all the things we couldn’t when we were first married. I’m happy to do more things with him, but all this attention makes me feel like I don’t know who my husband is and I question why he’s asking me out on dates, hanging out on the couch with me when he doesn’t even like my tv shows I’m watching. Is he just wanting to spice up our relationship or do I need to get him to a doctor?
Confused and spoiled

Dear Confused and spoiled,
Whether it’s a midlife crisis, a mental condition, or he’s participated in some whacked out medical experiment for the extra cash, take that man and go show him a good time! Sometimes a change in attitude is simply about allowing yourself to act, express, talk, and live the way he wants to spend his life. Obviously, he wants to spend his life with you and enjoy himself. You’ve been married a good number of years and have worked through the hard years of raising kids, setting boundaries as a married couple, and pushed past the years where you get stuck in a rut. He’s right in his desire to change things up, and this is your time. You get to concentrate on you and your man, and let the kids lead their own life. You can take that extra energy you used to spend on kids/home/family and direct it on the man you love and yourself. Because, honey, giving him everything brings it all back to you. Give and take. Scratch his back, he’ll scratch yours.
Lots of people go on a second honeymoon during this stage. When we’re younger, we wonder why couples do this. It’s for this very reason! You’re re-connecting again with your man. This time, you know what you’re doing. You know what he likes, what you like, and it’s become routine. Routine is great for contentment, safety, and security. But, it’s time to set new boundaries and find out what each other enjoys now. Maybe you’ve always wanted a man who helps you cook or rubs your feet in the evening instead of stroking your hair as you cuddle on the couch. Do something different. Surprise each other, and get to know a new side of your man. Let him see you who he has become. Do you think he knows how your thoughts, feelings, and dreams have changed since you were first married? He doesn’t. It doesn’t matter if you’ve lived with him for 19 years, unless you SHOW him, he’s clueless. By him wanting changes, he’s asking you to join him in re-discovering yourself.
This is a great time to surprise your guy. Buy a sexy outfit, play a little game, sign up for ballroom dancing…whatever it is, do it. Some new things will work out and benefit your marriage. Others will fail and make you laugh. That strip tease dance you do in the bathroom where no one can see you? Try it in the bedroom. Who cares if he laughs and you fall off the bed. This is what marriage is all about. Those fun moments bond two people better than staring at each other in candle light.
Think of it this way. You get to date your husband again like it’s the first time. Get excited, be daring, and fall in love with your hubs, again.
Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.
Deb
** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.
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#43 - April 12, 2013


Dear Deb,
My husband and I carpool to work and home five days a week. We’re in the car 3 hours a day. I need ways to spice up our time together while in the car. Can you help?
Silence in Route

Dear Silence in Route,

That’s a lot of miles together, isn’t it? Because driving takes concentration, and distracting the driver can be dangerous to your health and the safety of others, you’ll have to be creative. Privacy inside the car makes the perfect place to draw closer. Anything shared stays with only the two of you, and you have each others full attention. It’s a perfect place for foreplay, so the real action can heat up at home.

Depending on what honks your horn, you can aim toward funny. The passenger can sing along with the radio…being sexy, of course. Pre-plan a playlist and do dedications to each other. Take turns making a normal song into a dirty song by changing the words.

If you’re going for sexy, share fantasies. Think of it as phone sex, but face to face. You’ve got to be brave. Maybe try to describe what you “think” his fantasy would be in great details. Then let him take a stab at what your fantasy would be to loosin’ your inhibition. Once you gain confidence, share the true ones you hold close to your heart. Together, plan a sexy moment when you get home.

There are times when conversations turn serious and deepen a relationship. Take the time to tell the other person exactly why you fell in love. Does the way his shadow tickle your cheek in the morning when he kisses you remind you of how much you love him? Does he love the way you lean into him, putting your hand on his stomach make him feel special? Try to dig deeper and express the emotions that come over you. Does watching him cuddle with the kitten make your eyes tear up, because of the tenderness he only shows around you? Tell him.

Touching is good. You don’t have to distract each other from driving, but when the cruise control is set, hold hands. Rub his fingers. Put your hand on his thigh. Brush his hair behind his ear.
It’s easy to get lost in your thoughts while riding/driving. Let him in on what you’re thinking. It doesn’t matter how small or silly those thoughts are, you’ll be surprised by what he shares with you in return. No matter how long you’ve been married, you need more than a lifetime to know everything about another person. Discover all that you can, and don’t waste a second of those precious moments you have each other alone.

Remember, love is simple. People make it complex.

Deb

** Advice is purely for entertainment. Love is simple. People are complex. If you’d like to receive love advice, send an email to debrakayn@debrakayn.com Emails are kept confidential and if I post your letter, you can be assured I will remove names, location, and any telling information that can be linked to the original sender. You’re also giving me the right to rewrite your original letter for better understanding.


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Ho hey all –

I'm going on hiatus with the Dear Deb, Spice Up My Relationship column. I've recently moved to a new state (Idaho!) and between real life and writing life, I need to devote my time to writing. I have book releases, book projects, and more editing than I want to think about for the future. That means the Dear Deb, Spice Up My Relationship column will be sporadic and fitting into my free time.

Since I receive anywhere from 5 to 30 emails a week asking for advice, I'll be continuing to pull reader's request at will. Posting them regularly is the hard part. Of course, if you want to send an email to ask me a book related question, my email is open 24/7.

In the meantime, I'd like to share a little fact with you. My spicy advice was put into my book, Breathing His Air. One of the letters I received is included in the story, and my advice is in there too. Of course, the heroine, Tori, is the one dishing out the advice with each cup of coffee she serves, but you'll find it given in a familiar tone of "Dear Deb". So, if you're jonesin' for advice, pick up a copy of my book on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and most other ebook stores. Late this summer, Breathing His Air, will also come out as a paperback book.

Remember, keep it simple!

Deb
XXOO